February Weigh In & Goals

January Weight: 263 lbs

February Weight: 260 lbs

Monthly Loss: -3 lbs

Total Weight Lost: 35 lbs

Total Inches Lost: 24.5

January started out pretty well! I got down to 257 lbs and was posting my weekly weight on my Instagram account. Then for some strange reason, I just stopped. Like I told you all before, I suffer from seasonal depression and sometimes I just mentally shut down. It's like this alter-ego comes in and takes over my brain and I just don't care. About anything.

I had Friday off this week, and I was down. Depressed. Sad for no reason. I had some things to do in the morning, but after that I basically turned into a zombie. I drove around town and stopped at a few stores, feeling like I was completely alone in the world (even though I took Eli to lunch, and we had a great time.) I finally stopped at Macey's and bought a giant bag of chocolate covered cinnamon bears, then stopped at KFC and got a large popcorn chicken (even though I had eaten a chicken sandwich like 1.5 hours prior to that.) I took them home and ate the chicken while watching Grey's Anatomy, and also managed to throw half the cinnamon bears down. I felt even more disgusting afterward, but I just didn't care. 

I am not telling you these things for you to feel sorry for me, or think I am a slob, or judge me. I am telling you because, more than likely, some of you suffer from this same disease. Some of you can probably relate to this exact scenario. Depression is real, and hard!

So where do we go from here? The answer is so different for every single person that suffers from it, and I wish that my plan worked for everyone. 

Luckily that night I came home, looked on Facebook and saw and ad for Weight Watchers. I was a very happy member of WW last year, and actually lost the majority of my weight so far while on the plan. I don't know why I decided to ruin a good thing because from the moment I cancelled my membership, losing became almost impossible. My Fitness Pal is an amazing free app, but it just doesn't cut it for me, There is something that happens in my brain when using the Points Plus program; it yields such greater results for me. They have a wonderful support group and hundreds of challenges to compete in, which help me stay motivated and focused! 

I joined Friday night again, and haven't looked back! I am excited about eating healthy; I have also made some new weight loss goals for the next 6 months! Everything just fits right now.

I struggled with my phone goals for January. I didn't engage as much as I wanted to, and I looked at my phone too much. For February and March I am going to do something a little different. 

 I want to become a morning person. My morning usually consists of me taking Eli to work, coming home and getting back into bed, and sleeping again until about 30 minutes before work. I then  jump in the shower and get ready so fast that I don't even get breakfast in. I want this to change! I want to wake up and get a workout in. Exercise in the morning gives me so much energy. I also want to make a healthy breakfast to sustain me through the morning. I feel that if I can get into this routine, things will change for the better in my life! 

I am choosing to take this goal seriously, so that is why it is a 2 month goal for me. I really want to make this into a habit that will eventually turn into second nature for me.

I know I have made many empty promises these last few months, but I am so grateful for all of your support through my journey. Thanks for not giving up on me! 

We can do hard things!  

January Weigh-In

December Weight: 257 lbs
January Weight: 263 lbs
Monthly Loss: +6 lbs
Total Weight Lost: 32 lbs
Total Inches Lost: 24.5

Here's to the first weigh in of the new year! I am choosing to embrace this number without anger or judgement. I gained 6 pounds. I'm still in the game. I'm still me. I'm grateful that 6 wasn't 60. Life is too short to berate myself about a number. The bottom line is that I still feel amazing compared to where I was last January, and I'm celebrating that.

If you didn't see my post yesterday, I've decided to weigh in weekly on Instagram. If you want to follow me there, it is where I post the most about my journey. There is a link on the top right side of this page to take you there. I believe that it will definitely help me stay on track, and keep me more motivated to share my weekly ups and downs.

I will also be giving myself a goal to accomplish each month that will help my overall growth. I am so excited for this! I just know that there are so many things that I can do to better myself alongside my fitness goals. I want to look back on 2015 as rewarding, challenging, and enlightening!

For the month of January, I am going to challenge myself to truly listen to people around me, and give them the attention they deserve. Along with listening, I am going to refrain from using my phone/other media devices when I am in social situations. I have become very attached to my phone, and it is hard for me to not check it! Even when I am out on a date with my husband, or with friends and family, I find myself reaching for it. So, I've decided that this month I want to become more mindful and really focus on each individual I come in contact with. We all have so much to teach each other, and I don't want to miss out on a learning experience because I am checking my Facebook every five minutes.

If you want to work on this with me, please do! Let's spend a little more quality time with the ones we love this month without all of the distractions.

The Hard Things, and A New Approach.

Hello, stranger! I have been out of commission, and I have not been updating.  The one regret I have over these past couple of months is that I didn't post during the hard times. I let the struggle and expectation of it all get the best of me, and I hid away. One of the many things I learned in the past 3 months is that this journey is so REAL.The successes are real. The tears are real. The struggle is real.

The past six months have been quite a roller coaster ride for me, and I must say I haven't handled it the best that I could. I began to really struggle at work, and genuinely hated going in every day. My work ethic diminished, and I felt defeated constantly. I work in a customer service area, and the daily negativity was bringing me down to an all-time low. Add being sick the majority of the time, and you have an unhappy panda.

Fast forward to a month or so ago. I have been truly blessed, and have been given the opportunity to shine in a different area at work. My hours, pay, and general surroundings are so much better now, and I can finally find my way back to the happy girl I used to be. I will be able to have normal weekends with my husband for the most part, and I will be home at a decent hour now. My emotional and physical plateau have finally come to a halt, and I am finding meaning in all of the little and big things again. I am truly excited to detox and get rid of the negativity in my mind and body. Sometimes the Lord has a truly great plan for you. I am so grateful to Him for giving me this opportunity to reclaim my happiness and light.

All of these things being said, I have decided to do a few things differently. As this new year is bringing about so many new changes for me, I feel that I need to make this journey about so much more than just weight loss. I am going to give myself a goal each month to work on that has nothing to do with fitness. Some will help me mentally, some emotionally, some professionally, etc. I will announce each month's goal on the first Friday as a part of my monthly "weigh in." I will also post about the previous month, and what the outcome was.I will continue to work on my weight loss journey, and make my usual posts, of course. I just feel that all of these changes need to be embraced and given the attention that they deserve.

As far as weight loss goes, I am going to begin weighing in weekly on Instagram. I feel like the public accountability will give me so much more motivation. I have slacked off a little and put on a few pounds, but the important part for me is that I am getting everything back in check and pushing through.

Life is truly beautiful...even with all the hard things.

Come back tomorrow for my January weigh in!

Anniversary Weekend: Good Time, Bad Choices.

These past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of crazy, especially with our 3 year anniversary last Tuesday. We took 5 days off and just enjoyed ourselves!

Us over the years.

We were able to go on a Haunted Ghost Tour in our little town, go to a Pumpkin Patch followed by shopping and dinner out with my sister, and a bunch of other fun things! It was such a nice feeling to just be together without an agenda.

We got to pick them off of the vine!

Carving our spoils!

We also spent some time in the mountains at our favorite spot on our actual anniversary, which was so therapeutic to our souls! We both find so much solace in nature, it energizes us and helps us to unwind and remember what the true meaning of this crazy life is.

Like I said, the weekend was amazing. I, however, didn't stick to my plan very well. Life is all about trial and error, and this weekend was an error in the wellness aspect of things. We ate out at least once a day, and I just didn't make good choices. I also didn't exercise. You may think I have no willpower, but that simply isn't true. I made a choice to disregard my plan, and in retrospect I am glad I did for one reason. I never will do it again. I felt like literal garbage. I was sluggish and moody, and my mind was so fuzzy! I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere...I just wanted to be a vegetable. This right here is proof that what you put into your mouth has a major effect on your body AND mind.

I remember reading a post on one of my favorite fellow weight loss blogs about how a little way into her journey they went to Disneyland as a family. She let herself eat whatever she wanted, but then when she returned home she realized that she missed eating healthy and exercising. It was something that had become a part of who she was and is today. I feel that this happened to me as well. I couldn't wait to get back on track when we had to come back to reality, and although it has been hard, I'm grateful that I have been unwilling to give up. I know by next week life will be back to normal, and my cravings will have subsided.

Here are a few of my recent Instagram posts. I may have had a rough week, but I am still making progress. The first one is two photos that have been layered together so that you can see my literal progress. It's a little tough to see, but you get the idea. The dark area inside is what I look like now in this shirt.

Up next is a comparison. I am just happy to see that although I weigh the exact same in these two photos, as I am losing weight I am tightening and toning up. Even the same clothes fit very differently because we have been lifting heavy weights and really building muscle when we work out. The left one was taken on our honeymoon, and the right one was taken on our anniversary this week.

This next one is just a comparison from last years family photo to this year. I can see quite a difference.

The final one is what I am most proud of! Although I don't have a photo of me last year wearing this coat, anyone who knows me can confirm that I could barely even zip it up! It was so tight that you could see my stomach and sides bulging out. I decided to put it on just to see how it fit last Friday, and lo and behold:

It's huge on me! I can actually see all the way through it down to the ground when I look inside. I was completely in awe! It's almost too big to wear and feel comfortable in at this point..I don't want to look frumpy!

Finding the sparkle in life and the silver lining through difficult times is the only way for me to press forward! This journey is real and it will lead me to a healthy, happy place if I can just trust the process. As my dad has always said, "slow is your friend!" I never thought that a silly phrase in reference to driving through Sardine Canyon during snow storms would mean so much to me now. It has honestly become a mantra to me during this lifestyle change. My point being, find what works for you. Find your own words of wisdom and repeat them often!

We can definitely do hard things!

October Weigh In

September Weight: 259 lbs
October Weight: 256 lbs
Monthly Loss: -3 lbs
Monthly Inches: 4 
Total Weight Lost: -39 lbs
Total Inches Lost: 24.5

When I started this journey I knew there would be ups and downs. I knew there would be hard things. I wanted to embrace these things and find ways to overcome them! I am honestly grateful for this month and its difficulty, because I didn't give up. Not even once did the thought of giving up enter my mind! That right there is a victory in and of itself! I have looked at each day, each week, and each pound as a stepping stone in my journey. I want to get through this rough patch of a plateau very, very badly, but I am not in a race and things are very trial and error for me right now.

The best parts of September were the things that happened off the scale. I have found an incredible group of people on Instagram and Facebook that are so motivational. I am filling my life full of positive humans that are working toward similar goals as I am, and we are there to encourage and uplift one another. The support I've found has changed my attitude and feelings toward my health in such a positive way! I just feel like surrounding myself with these positive people is such an important part of my journey.

My new toy came in the mail this month and it has been motivating my workouts so much in the past 2 weeks! I got the Polar FT4 Heart Monitor and it is AMAZING!!!  Here she is! She makes me challenge myself during my workouts every day!

My Polar FT4

Another awesome thing that happened was Eli came with me to the gym, and he got a membership himself! We have made a schedule, and plan on going 4 times a week! I feel like my greatest support is here in my home. We are both going to be working toward a healthier lifestyle and it is going to be AMAZING!

This is us heading to the gym for the first time last week. 

I've saved the best for last! I was chosen by the most motivational person I have met (as far as fitness is concerned) to be one of her 5 Transformation Tuesday's! ( Click on the link to see!) She posted my most recent progress photo on her feed and shared my story with her many, many followers! I was able to gain more followers as a result, but it wasn't about that for me. I was just so proud of myself in that moment...to see her recognize me as someone she thought of as inspirational was such a high! I actually called my mom and cried. It was a very real moment for me to see how far I've come, and to watch others recognize that. It was like a gift to me. Here is a photo I snapped of the post she made.

She is AMAZING!

So all in all, it has been an extremely positive month! I am working toward new gym goals, as well as others. I feel like I need to just savor all of this journey and learn as much as I can about myself in the process. My plan is to start weighing in weekly on Instagram, so that I can become more accountable, as well as work out more and more. The holidays are coming and I want to be in a place where I can really practice some self control!

I hope I can still continue to motivate you all through this blog and my other forms of social media! More posts are on their way. Thank you all for your love and support!

Always remember, we can do hard things!

6 Month Recap

I can't believe that 6 months ago today I was getting a phone call from my doctor telling me the bad news! I remember looking through Pinterest and seeing this photo, which I saved and have had on my phone ever since to keep me motivated.

This quote seriously changed my perspective, and now that I have completed 6 months of my journey I can truly say that it has been more than worth it! It has been such an amazing experience and I have learned so much. I can't wait to see myself in 6 MORE months!

The first 30 pounds came off without much effort, and it has been discouraging at times to see the scale not move so quickly in the past month and a half. However, I have had so many other amazing victories, that I just don't even know where to begin to list them all! Some of them include:

- I put on a pair of size 20 pants yesterday and almost cried! I was in a 26 six months ago!
- I have been able to purchase some shirts/dresses in the regular size section of stores, which is just such an amazing feat in itself to me. It is so nice to have more options become available!
- I was able to get a new pair of work pants (on clearance for $7.50!!!) and have them glide right on last week. Fitting rooms are my worst enemy because nothing ever fits right, so that was a huge deal for this girl!
- I enjoy walking to work.
- I am constantly looking for produce on sale.
- I constantly have produce/lean meat/turkey/greek yogurt/clean food in my home.
- I am loving foods that I used to cringe at.
- My energy levels stay high and I am much less irritable (ask my husband hehe).
- Making leaner/healthier versions of my favorite recipes is becoming second nature to me.

These are just a few, but boy am I just in a better place!

I have decided that I am going to only weigh myself every other week. Sometimes the scale can sabotage you if you get on it too much, and I believe that is part of my plateau. I am getting sick of the numbers fluctuating, yet I am getting on the scale every day. This behavior isn't serving me well. I am moving my scale into my spare bedroom and only getting it out when I want to really weigh. I feel that having it in the bathroom makes me want to jump on it first thing every morning...so out of sight, out of mind!

I will be posting some of my favorite new recipes I've found in the next day or two. I made Apple Turkey Meatballs yesterday that were to die for! Check back soon! 

And as always, thank you all for your support and love! I couldn't do it without each and every one of your kind words and comments!

Just remember...we can ABSOLUTELY do hard things!

September Weigh-in

August Weight: 264 lbs
September Weight: 259 lbs
Monthly Loss: -5 lbs
Total Weight Lost: -36 lbs
Monthly Inches Lost: 7
Total Inches Lost: 20.5

August was different for me. I don't feel like there was much of a victory on the scale, but I have focused on quite a few non-scale victories this month. First off, I was able to wear my FAVORITE pants that I haven't fit into for quite some time! I bought them right after I got married (2011) and I remember Eli telling me how much he loved them on me. This was a huge victory!

Favorite pants!

 I also have been able to see quite a difference in the way my clothes fit. I can definitely see progress, and it keeps me so motivated to take progress photos. I am sure many of you have see these photos if you follow me on Facebook and Instagram but for those of you who don't, here are my favorites so far.

First photo was 6/10/14 and second was 8/21/14.

In the first photo I was around 180 lbs, so I actually gained 15 lbs and then lost the 36 lbs in between these two photos.

I was washing my hands and looked up and saw myself, and I was just PROUD!

This is a good representation of the inches I've lost.

 So like I said, it wasn't as successful as I wanted it to be in terms of numbers, but the NSV's were awesome! Eli and I have really stepped up the exercise in the past couple of weeks, so I am excited to see what this month brings. I have joined a few Facebook challenges to keep me on my toes with my eating and fitness. I think that sometimes you have to reach outside the box as far as support goes. There are so many resources out there for people who want to better themselves and become healthy! I have realized that I am letting a few bad habits sneak back in, so I am doing my best to put the kibosh on that and get back into my groove.

I saw this quote on a fellow weight-loss blogger's page and I had to share.

See on www.livylove.com

There are so MANY "would have, should have, could have" moments out there! But let's not focus on those. I know this month I have had more of these moments than I would like to count, but my health and wellness are not a race to a finish line. I felt defeated all month watching the scale stick in the same spot, until I got out my camera and looked at my progress in the mirror. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, so do just that. Be happy AND healthy, and just do your best. If you slip up, don't regret. Find the lesson in that moment and move forward. Do HARD THINGS!

This week I will be posting another recipe, so stay tuned.

I Never Thought I Would Say This...

...but I CRAVE exercise.

What the WHAT?!

I know this was on my list of accomplishments last week, but I feel it deserves more than just a bullet point.

Let me tell you something. I have recently become involved in various social media platforms where many people have lost 100+ pounds, and I have found so much inspiration in their stories. I hope that one day I can be as motivating as them! But there is one thing that they all have in common. At some point in their journey they have this "AHA!" moment where they burst into song about how they used to hate exercise, and now all of a sudden they want to run up every mountain in sight! And I sit over here on my couch and laugh at them thinking, "Yeah right, that is NEVER going to happen to THIS girl!"

Well let me tell you that in a small way it totally has happened to me. I must eat my words now. 

Lately I am finding myself craving a walk in the evenings, or thinking about waking up before Eli on our day off together and heading to the gym for a bit. I don't know exactly what made it click for me. There was no angel singing, or light bulb appearing over my head. I guess I just decided in my heart that exercise, endorphins, sweat and CUTE workout clothes are a necessity in this new lifestyle of mine. And I'm more than ok with that!

Something happened on a walk recently, and I think it had something to do with my epiphany. Eli and I went on a walk on our new favorite trail last week and I decided to push myself.  Like, really hard. I was sweating profusely and breathing so hard that I sounded like some sort of dying animal. I say this funnily, but honestly I was a hot mess. Do you know what happened when I passed other people? Nothing. No one stared or gawked or whispered. I just kept going on my journey and they continued theirs, and no one even acted like they were paying attention to me. I'm sure they were so involved in their own exercise that they didn't even notice my heaving or sweaty hair.

And it felt so DARN good not to care!I was getting the most out of my workout. My workout for me, not for them. Something I was doing to help ME feel better and become a better, fitter human being.

I realized something in that moment. All of my life I have been hiding. Wasting my life in the shadows, looking at other people and longing to be more like them. I have always been social and had friends and been happy, but there has been this part of me holding myself back in fear. Fear for what other people will think of me, or say behind my back, etc. I have been consumed by the fear of rejection and humiliation.

I am done with that fear. I am jumping off that cycle of self-destruction, and heading to a place of peace and faith. Faith in myself to accomplish my goals, and inner peace in my mind allowing myself to just BE in EVERY moment. Be happy. Be sweaty. Be loved. Be fit. Be strong. Be faithful. Be fearless!

We are all worth it. We can all overcome the hard things, and do them with passion!

Left: June,  Right: August. Same shirt. 

Me on 8/22/14.

Things To Look Forward To

Being overweight  or obese (I hate that word) is not an easy thing to be. I am not exaggerating when  I say that probably 10+ times a day I have been faced with dilemmas as a result of my large body. Things that healthy people take for granted are hard for us bigger people. Most of them are simple day to day things that you would never think were an issue unless you have a weight problem. So without further ado, here are my lists. The first is a list of the things I have accomplished in the last few months. The second is a list of the things I still have to look forward to as my journey continues.

Some Accomplishments Thus Far: 

- Down 2 pant sizes
- Off my cholesterol/blood pressure meds
- More flexible
- Sleeping better
- My feet aren't swollen anymore.
- I can sit in chairs/cars/movie theater seats/etc more comfortably
- I can fit in a few booth seats at restaurants that I used to have trouble with. (One of my favorites!)
- I can walk 2 miles without taking a break.
- Clothes that haven't fit me in years fit again. ( My favorite pants...yay!)
- Things in the bedroom are better. Especially with the confidence I am gaining. (TMI? Sorry.)
-  I can wear my seat belt without it choking me.
- I have a lot more mental clarity.
- I no longer worry about what people are thinking when I am exercising in public.
- I voluntarily walk places. (Like I am excited for the weather to cool off so I can walk to work.)
- I am beginning to WANT to exercise.


 Things To Look Forward To: 

- Riding the Rocket and all the rides at Lagoon
- Running/Playing without getting winded
-  Being able to complete hikes that I can't do now
- Getting out of the plus size section
- Feeling better about myself in photos
- Better sex life (Once again, we're all adults here. I'm a married woman.)
- Better chance at having a baby.
- Not getting stared at in restaurants, even when I'm eating a normal amount of food.
- Buying clothes EVERYWHERE!
- Climbing a mountain clear to the top!
- Stairs
- Lawn chairs
- Somersaults!
- Heels!
- Beautiful Clothes (I don't want to spend too much $$ while I'm still losing, so it's clearance for now)
- My green coat!
- My plaid jacket!
- Painting my toenails without having to maneuver my body some strange way.
- Hugging my knee to my chest again. (Weird, but I used to be so flexible!)
- Airplane comfort
- Doing ALL the physical things easier!

These are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I am honestly finding non-scale victories in my life almost daily, and it is so refreshing! I hope that if you are along side me on this journey, that you will make a list of the things you can look forward to. It's such a motivation!

Next up, a recipe for some delicious sugar free, low cal muffins I made today!

We can do hard things!

The Dress and a Big Life Lesson

My mom used to get this catalog in the mail each month. Coldwater Creek catalog. The majority of the clothes in it were for adult women, but I loved going through it to think of all of the pretty things I could one day wear. I had just gained about 30 pounds back from my lowest weight ever I was about 160 at the time, and I thought that if I could order one of these dresses in a size 16 it might just fit and make me forget how I had gained. I would be pretty if I just wore this dress! It was a black tea-length dress with white polka dots and pink shrug to go over it. It also had a pink ribbon to tie in the front. SO CUTE!  My mom got it for me, and I waited patiently for it to arrive.

Well the dress came, and when I tried it on I cried. It wouldn't even go up past my thighs. I couldn't believe it! How in the heck was this possible!? My jeans were a size 16, so why on earth couldn't I at least get the dress to go on, never mind zipping it up!?! My mom felt bad, so she encouraged me to hang the dress up where I could see it as an incentive. Maybe if I just lost a few pounds it would fit! I thought it couldn't hurt, so I hung it in my closet front and center where I could look at it longingly every day.

Months passed and I still couldn't get in it. I lost about 10 pounds, and it still didn't go on. Sometimes I would just sit and stare at the dress, imagining what I would do while wearing it. I pictured myself going on a date in it, looking adorable at church in it, walking hand in hand with a boy while wearing it, etc. It was the Ultimate Goal. I think I spent literal hours fixated on a piece of fabric.

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this dress hung in my closet for years, taunting me like a piece of cheesecake taunts my now-diabetic self. I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed. And you know what? I never wore it. I gained and gained until it wasn't even a feasible option anymore. It still just sat in the closet, welcoming me home on the weekends when I visited from Snow College. It was a friendly reminder as to why I wasn't staying down at school to go on dates with boys. ( Just for the record...I think I would have actually gone on some dates if I would have stayed there and had some confidence and actually SPOKE to a member of the opposite sex in any of my classes.) 

One day I started to think really hard about the dress. I pulled it out of the closet and grabbed another dress that did fit me. I compared them. Something wasn't right. The coveted dress seemed far too small to be close in size to the other one. I yelled for my mom and ran the dress in to her. "Mom I need you to try this on. Right now!" She looked at me like I was crazy, but she did it anyway.

Now if any of you know my mother, you know that she is a TINY woman. She weights about 115 soaking wet. I am talking tiny, little, adorable, fun-sized human here. (She is my best friend, too, but that is a different story for a different day.) So my miniscule mommy slid this dress on, zipped it up, and there was hardly any extra room in that dress that she wasn't filling out. I couldn't believe it. The dress had been marked wrong. It wasn't me, it was the dress.

Naturally, we moved the dress over to my mom's closet. (I don't know if she ever wore it, honestly.) I believe over the course of  the next few weeks I cried a lot over this realization. Sometimes it was over relief, other times it was more of a "why did this dress do this to me" cry.

Here is the part that I didn't understand then, and I do understand a little better now: I was wallowing and blaming and shaming all at once. First of all, it was just a piece of fabric that I should have never allowed to define me the way it did. I should have just sent the dress back and gone out and found one that did fit and made me feel beautiful. There is nothing anywhere in the world that states "gaining a few pounds means you can't feel beautiful." Second, it was not the dress' fault that I didn't fit into it. Yes, it could have been the manufacturer's fault that it got mis-marked, but why waste time and energy blaming them and hating them for something that they didn't even know about?! And third, this just made me spiral more down into the shame cycle I talked about with you earlier.

I come from a long line of blamers. Blaming and finding excuses runs in my blood. I don't want to be this any more. I refuse to be it. I won't allow myself to pass the buck on for self-gratification any more. It is my life and I make the choices. If I want to get healthy, I need to just do what it takes, instead of making excuse after excuse until I have none left. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Being healthy helps life become more enjoyable! I just want everyone to live their lives to the fullest and see all of the possibilities, without holding back!

We can do ALL the hard things, including getting past the obstacles we make for ourselves.

My mom and I  on my Wedding Day 10/14/11

First Weigh-In

August Weight: 264 lbs
July Weight: 272 lbs
Monthly Loss: - 8 lbs
Monthly Inches Lost: 13.5

So this month I dropped 8 pounds, 13.5 inches and 1 pant size! I am feeling great, especially in the Non-Scale Victory department! I also met my 10% weight loss goal with WW! I can't believe how motivated this blog, along with my Facebook page, are making me. They are seriously helping me stay accountable and EXCITED about what my life is becoming.


I didn't post much last week, and I have a few posts I need to catch up on. I did make my two diabetic-friendly recipes I am going to share. I also have a personal scenario I want to tell you about, and my list of things to look forward to with weight loss. I will get to these this week, I promise.

Now for the best news of the month! I had to go to the doctor this week for some issues I was having and I found out that I NO LONGER NEED MY BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION!!!!! This is such a huge hurdle for me to overcome! I honestly shed some tears, and shared a few words of deep gratitude to my Heavenly Father for helping me stay on track, and making this whole process so attainable thus far. My blood pressure is in completely normal range without the pills, and unless something drastically changes in the future, I will never have to take them again! I scheduled another A1C check for the end of the month, so I will do another post at that time when I found out if my numbers have gone down in the Diabetic department.

It was so nice to go to my doctor and see him genuinely proud of what I have done in the past few months! It is moments like those that make me keep going and realize how much better a healthy lifestyle is.

Life is truly beautiful when you are trying to better yourself, my friends! I am so happy that I can hold my head high and accept the things that are happening in my life, instead of fearing the negative constantly. This is one of the many perks of creating a healthier lifestyle: mental clarity.I love my body AND my mind!

 Remember, we can do hard things!

Progress: 30 lbs down

Sneaking Food & Shame Cycle

I want to talk about something that I daresay a lot of women out there have done at least once in their lives. It is a topic that I addressed in my old blog once, and ended up having several people approach me about, because they had been there too. So...let's bring it up and talk about it here where it belongs!

Sneaking food.

I think some of you may consider this binging, and where I will agree that it is a type of binging, I don't think that it can be labeled completely as such. To me, binging doesn't have to necessarily be done in private. You can binge anywhere, with anyone. Sneaking food requires a slightly different mindset. When you are sneaking, you want to hide it from everyone. You don't want anyone to see you eating and judge you. You are essentially ashamed of yourself and your behavior, so you eat it in private, no matter the amount of food. If no one sees it, it didn't really happen...right?

Here are some of the things I've been known to do when I "Sneak":

- Go through the drive thru at (any) restaurant and order something and then hurry and eat it on the way home and get rid of the package so my husband/neighbor/mom/dog can't see the evidence. Or even better, pull over and eat it in an empty parking lot.

- Hide away treats in the house where I know no one will see them, and eat them when people are sleeping or not home.

- Buy a value meal, plus an extra sandwich or something and then eat it out of a bag if I'm in a public place so no one can see just how much food I really got.

- Buying and eating an entire box of cupcakes or other sweet treat and eat the ENTIRE thing while on my lunch break so no one knows how disgusting I am.

See the pattern?

There are a few things about this behavior I want to address. First of all, I haven't actually been doing this as often since I started my diabetic journey. I can only count twice when I have, and both times it has been treats that I knew I shouldn't be eating because of the sugar content. I think I finally realized that I don't need to hide my indulgences from the world. I also have been addressing what emotional need I have at that particular moment that makes me want to hide myself away and eat. I believe that in reality, when we stop and think about it, the urge to sneak is stemming from an emotional need that isn't being met. If I go back to the times that I remember hiding food from my husband or parents, it was usually because I was angry or upset or felt inadequate in some way.

It is no secret that I have gone to counseling at various times in my life. I am not ashamed of counseling. In fact I believe that everyone needs to go and speak with a person who is completely unbiased about the problems that they are having. If I could afford it, I would pay for everyone to go see a professional about their stresses and insecurities. It is one of the best things I've ever done for my overall health and well-being. (Cue stepping off of my soapbox.) While I was in counseling, we talked about a thing called a Shame Cycle. I am including a diagram here so you can see exactly what I am referring to.

 source: http://blog.palmpartners.com

 

 

 

This is the Cycle of Addiction, or the Shame Cycle. Every human being uses this cycle in some way, and even in multiple ways. My favorite way to use this cycle is with food. (Insert sarcasm here.) It is the ways in which we use our emotions to trigger bad behavior like sneaking food.

So the way it works for me is that I will be just living my life and being my happy self, and then something triggers my shame. It usually comes in the form of a comment from someone that makes me feel inadequate or "small." I'm not talking about my weight, but rather my spirit. When I start to feel small I immediately think of food. (Craving.) I begin to have bad self talk and wallow. My wallowing usually consists of me feeling stupid and then it triggers my weight and how I am so fat and I can't seem to get a grip on it...you know, the really good stuff. I sit there and fat shame myself (Ritual) until I come to the conclusion that I might as well go stuff my face with some treats or bake something, because I'm never going to win my weight battle anyway. I then just give in and eat a whole bunch of unhealthy junk, usually by sneaking it somehow. (Use.) I immediately feel guilty for eating all of that junk, because it really didn't make me feel good; it just comforted my temporary needs.(Guilt.) At that point I shrug everything off and wait for another emotional trigger, which could happen as early as later that same day if we are being honest here.

So that, my friends, is the Shame Cycle. I feel deeply about this, and I want everyone to find a way out of it! Find a way to realize the triggers before they become cravings, whether it's food, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or just plain depression. It is something that you can begin to control. For myself, I made a list of the things that I can do when I begin to feel small that help boost my self-esteem.

Some of the ways I bring myself up out of the cycle are:

- remind myself how far I've come
- make a list of my goals
- write here in the blog
- talk it out with a friend, my husband, or my mom
- color (coloring clears my mind)
- pray
- take a walk/exercise
- repeat a positive mantra in my head

These are just a few of the things that you can so to make yourself feel worthy of your own love and acceptance! It is so important to get rid of this negativity and move on with your positive journey! I am certainly not perfect at this, and I often stumble, but I hope that I can continue to get better and get rid of the shame for good!

We can do hard things!

30 Before 30

I saw this idea on another blog I follow and I loved it! As you know I turned 29 last Friday. I think that now is as good a time as any to really nip this fitness stuff in the bud so that I can enter my 30s feeling better than ever! I have come up with a list, and as I complete each one I will come back and cross it off and put in a date of completion.

My ultimate goal is to enter my 30s as healthily as I entered my 20s, if not healthier. I began my 20s at around 190, and I wasn't exercising at all. I was on a steep climb to where I am now. Just the fact that I wasn't exercising then gives me a jump start on my goal! If I were to complete that goal, it would put me at 100 pounds lost...which to me sounds almost too hard to believe! Here's to a healthier me in 2015!

30 Before 30  

1. Run one mile without stopping.
2. Walk/run a 5k.
3. Walk/run a 10k.
4. Hike 10 different mountain trails.
      1- Tony Grove to White Pine Lake: 8 miles. 06/25/14
      2-
      3-
      4-
      5-
      6-
      7-
      8-
      9-
      10-
5. Complete a total of 500 miles of running/walking/biking/hiking.
6. Do 10 full sit ups unassisted.
7. Try a yoga class.
8. Try a zumba class.
9. Own a bike.
10. Complete all 3 segments of Biggest Loser Boot Camp: Cardio Max without stopping.
11. Eliminate soda from my daily routine. (Only allow it on special occasions.)
12. Incorporate 64 oz of water into my day.
13. Eat out no more than twice a week for 6 months straight. (This will be difficult with our work schedules.)
14. Exercise 5x a week..
15. Get completely out of the plus size section.
16. Try 2 new diabetic friendly recipes each month and blog about them.
      July:
      August:
      September:
      October:
      November:
      December:
      January:
      February:
      March:
      April:
      May:
      June:
17: Complete 3 WW Challenges.
18: Blog 2-3 times per week.
19. Buy a dress for my 30th birthday that I feel beautiful in, preferably from a dress shop.
20. Buy a bra from Victoria's Secret. (I haven't fit in one for over 4 years.)
21. Crochet a blanket.
22. Make all of my Christmas gifts this year.
23. Get off of my cholesterol and blood pressure medication. BP completed 8/1/14
24. Read the unabridged version of Les Miserables.
25. Swim @ Bear Lake in a suit I feel comfortable in.
26. Write one Thank You note each month to someone who has impacted my life in some way.
      July-
      August-
      September-
      October-
      November-
      December-
      January-
      February-
      March-
      April -
      May-
      June-
27. Ride the Rocket at Lagoon without feeling too big!
28. Take one motivational photo each day and post it to Instagram with (hash-tag) #365motivate
29. Take a REAL vacation.
30. Ring in my 30s healthier than I rang in my 20s. 100 pounds lost, and weighing in at 190 pounds or less.


I can do ALL the hard things!