Sneaking Food & Shame Cycle

I want to talk about something that I daresay a lot of women out there have done at least once in their lives. It is a topic that I addressed in my old blog once, and ended up having several people approach me about, because they had been there too. So...let's bring it up and talk about it here where it belongs!

Sneaking food.

I think some of you may consider this binging, and where I will agree that it is a type of binging, I don't think that it can be labeled completely as such. To me, binging doesn't have to necessarily be done in private. You can binge anywhere, with anyone. Sneaking food requires a slightly different mindset. When you are sneaking, you want to hide it from everyone. You don't want anyone to see you eating and judge you. You are essentially ashamed of yourself and your behavior, so you eat it in private, no matter the amount of food. If no one sees it, it didn't really happen...right?

Here are some of the things I've been known to do when I "Sneak":

- Go through the drive thru at (any) restaurant and order something and then hurry and eat it on the way home and get rid of the package so my husband/neighbor/mom/dog can't see the evidence. Or even better, pull over and eat it in an empty parking lot.

- Hide away treats in the house where I know no one will see them, and eat them when people are sleeping or not home.

- Buy a value meal, plus an extra sandwich or something and then eat it out of a bag if I'm in a public place so no one can see just how much food I really got.

- Buying and eating an entire box of cupcakes or other sweet treat and eat the ENTIRE thing while on my lunch break so no one knows how disgusting I am.

See the pattern?

There are a few things about this behavior I want to address. First of all, I haven't actually been doing this as often since I started my diabetic journey. I can only count twice when I have, and both times it has been treats that I knew I shouldn't be eating because of the sugar content. I think I finally realized that I don't need to hide my indulgences from the world. I also have been addressing what emotional need I have at that particular moment that makes me want to hide myself away and eat. I believe that in reality, when we stop and think about it, the urge to sneak is stemming from an emotional need that isn't being met. If I go back to the times that I remember hiding food from my husband or parents, it was usually because I was angry or upset or felt inadequate in some way.

It is no secret that I have gone to counseling at various times in my life. I am not ashamed of counseling. In fact I believe that everyone needs to go and speak with a person who is completely unbiased about the problems that they are having. If I could afford it, I would pay for everyone to go see a professional about their stresses and insecurities. It is one of the best things I've ever done for my overall health and well-being. (Cue stepping off of my soapbox.) While I was in counseling, we talked about a thing called a Shame Cycle. I am including a diagram here so you can see exactly what I am referring to.

 source: http://blog.palmpartners.com

 

 

 

This is the Cycle of Addiction, or the Shame Cycle. Every human being uses this cycle in some way, and even in multiple ways. My favorite way to use this cycle is with food. (Insert sarcasm here.) It is the ways in which we use our emotions to trigger bad behavior like sneaking food.

So the way it works for me is that I will be just living my life and being my happy self, and then something triggers my shame. It usually comes in the form of a comment from someone that makes me feel inadequate or "small." I'm not talking about my weight, but rather my spirit. When I start to feel small I immediately think of food. (Craving.) I begin to have bad self talk and wallow. My wallowing usually consists of me feeling stupid and then it triggers my weight and how I am so fat and I can't seem to get a grip on it...you know, the really good stuff. I sit there and fat shame myself (Ritual) until I come to the conclusion that I might as well go stuff my face with some treats or bake something, because I'm never going to win my weight battle anyway. I then just give in and eat a whole bunch of unhealthy junk, usually by sneaking it somehow. (Use.) I immediately feel guilty for eating all of that junk, because it really didn't make me feel good; it just comforted my temporary needs.(Guilt.) At that point I shrug everything off and wait for another emotional trigger, which could happen as early as later that same day if we are being honest here.

So that, my friends, is the Shame Cycle. I feel deeply about this, and I want everyone to find a way out of it! Find a way to realize the triggers before they become cravings, whether it's food, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or just plain depression. It is something that you can begin to control. For myself, I made a list of the things that I can do when I begin to feel small that help boost my self-esteem.

Some of the ways I bring myself up out of the cycle are:

- remind myself how far I've come
- make a list of my goals
- write here in the blog
- talk it out with a friend, my husband, or my mom
- color (coloring clears my mind)
- pray
- take a walk/exercise
- repeat a positive mantra in my head

These are just a few of the things that you can so to make yourself feel worthy of your own love and acceptance! It is so important to get rid of this negativity and move on with your positive journey! I am certainly not perfect at this, and I often stumble, but I hope that I can continue to get better and get rid of the shame for good!

We can do hard things!

30 Before 30

I saw this idea on another blog I follow and I loved it! As you know I turned 29 last Friday. I think that now is as good a time as any to really nip this fitness stuff in the bud so that I can enter my 30s feeling better than ever! I have come up with a list, and as I complete each one I will come back and cross it off and put in a date of completion.

My ultimate goal is to enter my 30s as healthily as I entered my 20s, if not healthier. I began my 20s at around 190, and I wasn't exercising at all. I was on a steep climb to where I am now. Just the fact that I wasn't exercising then gives me a jump start on my goal! If I were to complete that goal, it would put me at 100 pounds lost...which to me sounds almost too hard to believe! Here's to a healthier me in 2015!

30 Before 30  

1. Run one mile without stopping.
2. Walk/run a 5k.
3. Walk/run a 10k.
4. Hike 10 different mountain trails.
      1- Tony Grove to White Pine Lake: 8 miles. 06/25/14
      2-
      3-
      4-
      5-
      6-
      7-
      8-
      9-
      10-
5. Complete a total of 500 miles of running/walking/biking/hiking.
6. Do 10 full sit ups unassisted.
7. Try a yoga class.
8. Try a zumba class.
9. Own a bike.
10. Complete all 3 segments of Biggest Loser Boot Camp: Cardio Max without stopping.
11. Eliminate soda from my daily routine. (Only allow it on special occasions.)
12. Incorporate 64 oz of water into my day.
13. Eat out no more than twice a week for 6 months straight. (This will be difficult with our work schedules.)
14. Exercise 5x a week..
15. Get completely out of the plus size section.
16. Try 2 new diabetic friendly recipes each month and blog about them.
      July:
      August:
      September:
      October:
      November:
      December:
      January:
      February:
      March:
      April:
      May:
      June:
17: Complete 3 WW Challenges.
18: Blog 2-3 times per week.
19. Buy a dress for my 30th birthday that I feel beautiful in, preferably from a dress shop.
20. Buy a bra from Victoria's Secret. (I haven't fit in one for over 4 years.)
21. Crochet a blanket.
22. Make all of my Christmas gifts this year.
23. Get off of my cholesterol and blood pressure medication. BP completed 8/1/14
24. Read the unabridged version of Les Miserables.
25. Swim @ Bear Lake in a suit I feel comfortable in.
26. Write one Thank You note each month to someone who has impacted my life in some way.
      July-
      August-
      September-
      October-
      November-
      December-
      January-
      February-
      March-
      April -
      May-
      June-
27. Ride the Rocket at Lagoon without feeling too big!
28. Take one motivational photo each day and post it to Instagram with (hash-tag) #365motivate
29. Take a REAL vacation.
30. Ring in my 30s healthier than I rang in my 20s. 100 pounds lost, and weighing in at 190 pounds or less.


I can do ALL the hard things!

Weigh-in Friday + New Workouts

I feel that there is something monotonous about weighing in publicly every single week. Where I would love to shout my every little victory from the rooftops, something tells me that the reason why you are here is for more than my progress on the scale. Please don't take offense if you are reading this and thinking "I love to post my weight each week to show my progress." If you post your each week, that is awesome! I'm glad that you are moving forward and accomplishing your goal! Personally, I just want to make this blog about more than the numbers.

 I weighed a day early this week, so I will tell you that this morning I hopped on and saw a wonderful 268! I haven't weighed that in about 2 years. It felt amazing to see the progress, and that makes 27 pounds down for me total. I am loving life at the moment! My body is moving in ways that it hasn't been able to for over a year now...and boy does it feel good.

That all being said, from here on out I will post my current weight on the first Friday of every month. My goal is to hopefully hit around a 10 pound loss each month. I just joined a Challenge Group on WW (Weight Watchers) with a goal to lose 50 pounds by January 1st, 2015. I am hoping that all will go well and I will succeed! That would average out about a 2 pound loss each week, and I feel that it is doable.

I have incorporated a few new things into my daily routine I want to tell you about. First off, I purchased Leslie Sansone's Ultimate 5 Day Walk Plan and I love it! It has 5 separate miles that you can choose from.  So you can do a combination of the miles and do up to 5 at one time to get a really thorough walk in, or if you are pressed for time, you can do one mile in about 15 minutes. Her style is aerobic walking so the miles aren't boring at all, and she has a very perky personality. She also includes 5 mini workouts that each target a specific part of your body. I have done it for 3 days now and I can already feel a difference. It is a great low/moderate workout for those of us who are new to exercise.

I also downloaded the RunKeeper App on my phone, and it is amazing! I love that it has multiple exercises to choose from, and it tracks your route and calories burned so specifically. Eli and I tried it tonight on a trail that we love and it was awesome to see exactly how far we walked. I seriously suggest downloading it if you walk/run/hike/bike/etc.

Well that is all for now, but I will be updating again this weekend with my list of "30 Before 30."
I am setting 30 fitness (and other) goals to accomplish before the big 3-0 next year!

Remember - we can do hard things!

From The Beginning...

I have always been a chubby girl. I was always bigger than my friends, and something inside of me always felt out of place. There is something different about being "obese" your whole life. You never feel like you can truly get down to a healthy weight, because you have never been there. It can become a dark and bitter place inside your head where motivation is difficult to find.

I remember my mom telling me a story about when I was learning to crawl. My left side was paralyzed due to a stroke I had at two days old, so I fell down many times in the process. Mom said that she would hear a thud as I fell, but then my little voice would say "up, up, up!" and I would get back up and try again. I was born with a fire in me to push myself and succeed, but it dimmed as time went on. While other kids played sports and ran around the playground, I tried my hardest, but I never felt it was good enough. I would get embarrassed after a few tries, and some snarky looks from my peers would inevitably leave me alone in a corner somewhere feeling sorry for myself. My shame cycle started early.

I remember feeling like I would never date in high school, and no one would ever marry me unless I lost weight. It was useless to try because I would never succeed and look like so-and-so. My weight hovered in the 160s, which at the time I felt was huge. I look back at those photos of myself and want to scream at my adolescent mind to embrace my curves and love my body! In truth, I wasn't fat at all in high school...just average. And beautiful.

 My junior year of high school.

My senior year, 2003.

I went off to college and continued to feel inadequate, as I was the heaviest of all my roommates. I made many friends at Sow College, some of my very best to this day! My weight hovered around 190 when I left.

My roommates and I, 2005.

The rest of my story is a blur, with too many weight fluctuations to count. Ultimately I ended up graduating from Utah State is 2010, and shortly after that I met my husband. I weighed 250 on our wedding day, and I felt beautiful. I finally found a man that loved me for me, no matter my size. I wasn't afraid to show him all of myself because he loved every bit of it! We felt lucky to find each other...he is my best friend.

Eli and I, 2011

Wedding Day, October 14, 2011

I thought that by marrying the man of my dreams, I would inevitably begin loving my body and letting go of self doubt. Sadly, around January after the wedding shine wore off and the holidays were over, I had nothing to look forward to. I spiraled into a depression that I had never experienced before. I was always a little depressed, but this was horrid. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go to work. I fought with Eli and made him feel hopeless in our marriage, because I was so down and angry all of the time. It was truly the worst 6 months of my life. During the dark days, I found solace in food. The scale tipped and I didn't care anymore. Things eventually got better, but the weight stayed on. 

Finally, after  having a few good talks with family and friends, I finally went and got a complete physical in March of this year. I was then diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. The number in the scale was the biggest I've ever seen (295), and I knew that I needed to nip this in the bud. In order to start a family and give that family the time and energy it deserves, my quality of life needed to be drastically different.

I began Weight Watchers for about the 3rd time in my life, but this time I stuck with it. I've lost 25 pound so far, without much activity. The changes I have made with food have carried me this far. I feel like it is time to kick it up a notch and really get this going, so I am starting a walking routine to help me train for a 5k tomorrow. I can't wait til the day I can compete my first 5k! 

Many things in life can discourage you and make you feel small. As I stated at the beginning of this post, my shame cycle started very early on. That cycle stayed with me up until this year when I finally put a name on it, and put it in it's proper place. I found my fire again! I no longer look at my body as something that defines me, or controls me. I don't even look at myself as a work in progress. I try to celebrate what it can do for me and what it is capable of. I want to fuel it in a way that will best benefit me and my future little ones. While I work at that, I know there will be bumps in my road and I refuse to ignore them. They need to be addressed and owned, and I feel that this space can be a place where I do that. A positive place, where I acknowledge the pain, joy, etc and move on.

I hope this can be a place for you, too. 

We can do hard things.

Me @ Mirror Lake June 2014 (280 lbs)