If I Could Go Back...

If I could go back I would tell this girl that she is worth it. That she isn't fat or ugly or awkward. I would tell her that she has a beautiful heart that most people don't understand. But one day, when she is a little older, she will find people who see the beauty of her heart, and they will love her all the better for it. I would tell her that every inch of her body was created for a means to live a beautiful, healthy life. I would stroke her hair as she cried, explaining that one day she would have answers to all her heartache, and wouldn't have to walk this earth alone. I would reassure her of her strength and her divine purpose.

I would tell her so many positive, encouraging, uplifting things. I would listen to her patiently so she didn't feel left out or unimportant. I would try to teach her to have better self-love and confidence.

Me @ Girls Camp 2001

Me & my friend Amanda

I remember this day well. I remember putting on that shirt and feeling so fat and ugly. I remember staring in the mirror, worried about that virtually non-existent muffin top. I remember worrying that I was going to get made fun of or talked about (even though my friends weren't like that!) I also remember the day I got these photos back from the printer. I could barely stomach them, picking myself apart at every angle.

I look back at them now and want to reach through time and give my 15 year old self a hug! I was worth so much more than I ever thought. I wish I knew what I know now.

I know we can't change the past, and we can't dwell on it either. 
I DO know that we deserve  love. From others, but most importantly, we deserve it from ourselves!
This life is far too short and too complicated not to love, forgive, and be good to yourself each and every day.

I'm so glad that I found my inner-beauty and my drive to become the best version of myself.

I am glad I have decided to love myself through it all, and remind myself that I can do hard things.
 

I Never Thought I Would Say This...

...but I CRAVE exercise.

What the WHAT?!

I know this was on my list of accomplishments last week, but I feel it deserves more than just a bullet point.

Let me tell you something. I have recently become involved in various social media platforms where many people have lost 100+ pounds, and I have found so much inspiration in their stories. I hope that one day I can be as motivating as them! But there is one thing that they all have in common. At some point in their journey they have this "AHA!" moment where they burst into song about how they used to hate exercise, and now all of a sudden they want to run up every mountain in sight! And I sit over here on my couch and laugh at them thinking, "Yeah right, that is NEVER going to happen to THIS girl!"

Well let me tell you that in a small way it totally has happened to me. I must eat my words now. 

Lately I am finding myself craving a walk in the evenings, or thinking about waking up before Eli on our day off together and heading to the gym for a bit. I don't know exactly what made it click for me. There was no angel singing, or light bulb appearing over my head. I guess I just decided in my heart that exercise, endorphins, sweat and CUTE workout clothes are a necessity in this new lifestyle of mine. And I'm more than ok with that!

Something happened on a walk recently, and I think it had something to do with my epiphany. Eli and I went on a walk on our new favorite trail last week and I decided to push myself.  Like, really hard. I was sweating profusely and breathing so hard that I sounded like some sort of dying animal. I say this funnily, but honestly I was a hot mess. Do you know what happened when I passed other people? Nothing. No one stared or gawked or whispered. I just kept going on my journey and they continued theirs, and no one even acted like they were paying attention to me. I'm sure they were so involved in their own exercise that they didn't even notice my heaving or sweaty hair.

And it felt so DARN good not to care!I was getting the most out of my workout. My workout for me, not for them. Something I was doing to help ME feel better and become a better, fitter human being.

I realized something in that moment. All of my life I have been hiding. Wasting my life in the shadows, looking at other people and longing to be more like them. I have always been social and had friends and been happy, but there has been this part of me holding myself back in fear. Fear for what other people will think of me, or say behind my back, etc. I have been consumed by the fear of rejection and humiliation.

I am done with that fear. I am jumping off that cycle of self-destruction, and heading to a place of peace and faith. Faith in myself to accomplish my goals, and inner peace in my mind allowing myself to just BE in EVERY moment. Be happy. Be sweaty. Be loved. Be fit. Be strong. Be faithful. Be fearless!

We are all worth it. We can all overcome the hard things, and do them with passion!

Left: June,  Right: August. Same shirt. 

Me on 8/22/14.

Sugar Free Zucchini Muffins

Last week I was given two GIANT zucchinis. I am talking 4 cups shredded, each! So I decided to do what any good neighbor should and make some zucchini bread. Since I was making it for a family friend, I didn't want to experiment too much with artificial sweeteners, so I found a delicious sounding recipe on Pinterest. Let me tell you something...that was the best zucchini bread I have ever eaten. It made two loaves, so I naturally had to keep one and taste it. Within 3 days I had eaten the entire loaf. I think Eli ate one piece, but he isn't into sweet treats. 

I didn't realize at the time what happens to you when you go off of the sugar and then decide to dabble a little...especially as a diabetic. That loaf had one whole cup of sugar and another cup of oil in it. Needless to say, I got sick. Not sick in a normal way; sick in a disgusting, bloated, grumpy, negative, pile-of-garbage way. It was about the worst week I've had since my first week off the sugar back in March. I was miserable and mean and short-tempered and nauseous and just horrid!

Long story short, the next giant zucchini was going to go bad today. So this time, I adapted my recipe and tweaked it and managed to get some delicious muffins without the guilt!

Zucchini Muffins

3 cups zucchini, finely grated
3 cups wheat flour or white flour
2/3 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1/3 cup oil ( to keep the muffins light and fluffy)
2 eggs, beaten
1/2 cup + 2 Tablespoons + 2 teaspoons Truvia for Baking*
1 Tablespoon vanilla
2 teaspoons baking soda
3 teaspoons cinnamon
pinch of salt
Walnuts or Pecans (optional)

 Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl. No need to use a mixer. Liberally spray a muffin tin with canola oil. Fill each cup to the top and bake the muffins @ 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.

This recipe should make between 15-20 muffins,depending on the size of your cups.

*You can substitute Truvia for 1 1/3 cup Splenda for Baking if you wish.

I hope you love these as much as I do! They ring in at 3 WW points each, which isn't bad for how hearty and large they are! :

Things To Look Forward To

Being overweight  or obese (I hate that word) is not an easy thing to be. I am not exaggerating when  I say that probably 10+ times a day I have been faced with dilemmas as a result of my large body. Things that healthy people take for granted are hard for us bigger people. Most of them are simple day to day things that you would never think were an issue unless you have a weight problem. So without further ado, here are my lists. The first is a list of the things I have accomplished in the last few months. The second is a list of the things I still have to look forward to as my journey continues.

Some Accomplishments Thus Far: 

- Down 2 pant sizes
- Off my cholesterol/blood pressure meds
- More flexible
- Sleeping better
- My feet aren't swollen anymore.
- I can sit in chairs/cars/movie theater seats/etc more comfortably
- I can fit in a few booth seats at restaurants that I used to have trouble with. (One of my favorites!)
- I can walk 2 miles without taking a break.
- Clothes that haven't fit me in years fit again. ( My favorite pants...yay!)
- Things in the bedroom are better. Especially with the confidence I am gaining. (TMI? Sorry.)
-  I can wear my seat belt without it choking me.
- I have a lot more mental clarity.
- I no longer worry about what people are thinking when I am exercising in public.
- I voluntarily walk places. (Like I am excited for the weather to cool off so I can walk to work.)
- I am beginning to WANT to exercise.


 Things To Look Forward To: 

- Riding the Rocket and all the rides at Lagoon
- Running/Playing without getting winded
-  Being able to complete hikes that I can't do now
- Getting out of the plus size section
- Feeling better about myself in photos
- Better sex life (Once again, we're all adults here. I'm a married woman.)
- Better chance at having a baby.
- Not getting stared at in restaurants, even when I'm eating a normal amount of food.
- Buying clothes EVERYWHERE!
- Climbing a mountain clear to the top!
- Stairs
- Lawn chairs
- Somersaults!
- Heels!
- Beautiful Clothes (I don't want to spend too much $$ while I'm still losing, so it's clearance for now)
- My green coat!
- My plaid jacket!
- Painting my toenails without having to maneuver my body some strange way.
- Hugging my knee to my chest again. (Weird, but I used to be so flexible!)
- Airplane comfort
- Doing ALL the physical things easier!

These are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I am honestly finding non-scale victories in my life almost daily, and it is so refreshing! I hope that if you are along side me on this journey, that you will make a list of the things you can look forward to. It's such a motivation!

Next up, a recipe for some delicious sugar free, low cal muffins I made today!

We can do hard things!

The Dress and a Big Life Lesson

My mom used to get this catalog in the mail each month. Coldwater Creek catalog. The majority of the clothes in it were for adult women, but I loved going through it to think of all of the pretty things I could one day wear. I had just gained about 30 pounds back from my lowest weight ever I was about 160 at the time, and I thought that if I could order one of these dresses in a size 16 it might just fit and make me forget how I had gained. I would be pretty if I just wore this dress! It was a black tea-length dress with white polka dots and pink shrug to go over it. It also had a pink ribbon to tie in the front. SO CUTE!  My mom got it for me, and I waited patiently for it to arrive.

Well the dress came, and when I tried it on I cried. It wouldn't even go up past my thighs. I couldn't believe it! How in the heck was this possible!? My jeans were a size 16, so why on earth couldn't I at least get the dress to go on, never mind zipping it up!?! My mom felt bad, so she encouraged me to hang the dress up where I could see it as an incentive. Maybe if I just lost a few pounds it would fit! I thought it couldn't hurt, so I hung it in my closet front and center where I could look at it longingly every day.

Months passed and I still couldn't get in it. I lost about 10 pounds, and it still didn't go on. Sometimes I would just sit and stare at the dress, imagining what I would do while wearing it. I pictured myself going on a date in it, looking adorable at church in it, walking hand in hand with a boy while wearing it, etc. It was the Ultimate Goal. I think I spent literal hours fixated on a piece of fabric.

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this dress hung in my closet for years, taunting me like a piece of cheesecake taunts my now-diabetic self. I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed. And you know what? I never wore it. I gained and gained until it wasn't even a feasible option anymore. It still just sat in the closet, welcoming me home on the weekends when I visited from Snow College. It was a friendly reminder as to why I wasn't staying down at school to go on dates with boys. ( Just for the record...I think I would have actually gone on some dates if I would have stayed there and had some confidence and actually SPOKE to a member of the opposite sex in any of my classes.) 

One day I started to think really hard about the dress. I pulled it out of the closet and grabbed another dress that did fit me. I compared them. Something wasn't right. The coveted dress seemed far too small to be close in size to the other one. I yelled for my mom and ran the dress in to her. "Mom I need you to try this on. Right now!" She looked at me like I was crazy, but she did it anyway.

Now if any of you know my mother, you know that she is a TINY woman. She weights about 115 soaking wet. I am talking tiny, little, adorable, fun-sized human here. (She is my best friend, too, but that is a different story for a different day.) So my miniscule mommy slid this dress on, zipped it up, and there was hardly any extra room in that dress that she wasn't filling out. I couldn't believe it. The dress had been marked wrong. It wasn't me, it was the dress.

Naturally, we moved the dress over to my mom's closet. (I don't know if she ever wore it, honestly.) I believe over the course of  the next few weeks I cried a lot over this realization. Sometimes it was over relief, other times it was more of a "why did this dress do this to me" cry.

Here is the part that I didn't understand then, and I do understand a little better now: I was wallowing and blaming and shaming all at once. First of all, it was just a piece of fabric that I should have never allowed to define me the way it did. I should have just sent the dress back and gone out and found one that did fit and made me feel beautiful. There is nothing anywhere in the world that states "gaining a few pounds means you can't feel beautiful." Second, it was not the dress' fault that I didn't fit into it. Yes, it could have been the manufacturer's fault that it got mis-marked, but why waste time and energy blaming them and hating them for something that they didn't even know about?! And third, this just made me spiral more down into the shame cycle I talked about with you earlier.

I come from a long line of blamers. Blaming and finding excuses runs in my blood. I don't want to be this any more. I refuse to be it. I won't allow myself to pass the buck on for self-gratification any more. It is my life and I make the choices. If I want to get healthy, I need to just do what it takes, instead of making excuse after excuse until I have none left. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Being healthy helps life become more enjoyable! I just want everyone to live their lives to the fullest and see all of the possibilities, without holding back!

We can do ALL the hard things, including getting past the obstacles we make for ourselves.

My mom and I  on my Wedding Day 10/14/11

First Weigh-In

August Weight: 264 lbs
July Weight: 272 lbs
Monthly Loss: - 8 lbs
Monthly Inches Lost: 13.5

So this month I dropped 8 pounds, 13.5 inches and 1 pant size! I am feeling great, especially in the Non-Scale Victory department! I also met my 10% weight loss goal with WW! I can't believe how motivated this blog, along with my Facebook page, are making me. They are seriously helping me stay accountable and EXCITED about what my life is becoming.


I didn't post much last week, and I have a few posts I need to catch up on. I did make my two diabetic-friendly recipes I am going to share. I also have a personal scenario I want to tell you about, and my list of things to look forward to with weight loss. I will get to these this week, I promise.

Now for the best news of the month! I had to go to the doctor this week for some issues I was having and I found out that I NO LONGER NEED MY BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION!!!!! This is such a huge hurdle for me to overcome! I honestly shed some tears, and shared a few words of deep gratitude to my Heavenly Father for helping me stay on track, and making this whole process so attainable thus far. My blood pressure is in completely normal range without the pills, and unless something drastically changes in the future, I will never have to take them again! I scheduled another A1C check for the end of the month, so I will do another post at that time when I found out if my numbers have gone down in the Diabetic department.

It was so nice to go to my doctor and see him genuinely proud of what I have done in the past few months! It is moments like those that make me keep going and realize how much better a healthy lifestyle is.

Life is truly beautiful when you are trying to better yourself, my friends! I am so happy that I can hold my head high and accept the things that are happening in my life, instead of fearing the negative constantly. This is one of the many perks of creating a healthier lifestyle: mental clarity.I love my body AND my mind!

 Remember, we can do hard things!

Progress: 30 lbs down