Anniversary Weekend: Good Time, Bad Choices.

These past 2 weeks have been a whirlwind of crazy, especially with our 3 year anniversary last Tuesday. We took 5 days off and just enjoyed ourselves!

Us over the years.

We were able to go on a Haunted Ghost Tour in our little town, go to a Pumpkin Patch followed by shopping and dinner out with my sister, and a bunch of other fun things! It was such a nice feeling to just be together without an agenda.

We got to pick them off of the vine!

Carving our spoils!

We also spent some time in the mountains at our favorite spot on our actual anniversary, which was so therapeutic to our souls! We both find so much solace in nature, it energizes us and helps us to unwind and remember what the true meaning of this crazy life is.

Like I said, the weekend was amazing. I, however, didn't stick to my plan very well. Life is all about trial and error, and this weekend was an error in the wellness aspect of things. We ate out at least once a day, and I just didn't make good choices. I also didn't exercise. You may think I have no willpower, but that simply isn't true. I made a choice to disregard my plan, and in retrospect I am glad I did for one reason. I never will do it again. I felt like literal garbage. I was sluggish and moody, and my mind was so fuzzy! I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere...I just wanted to be a vegetable. This right here is proof that what you put into your mouth has a major effect on your body AND mind.

I remember reading a post on one of my favorite fellow weight loss blogs about how a little way into her journey they went to Disneyland as a family. She let herself eat whatever she wanted, but then when she returned home she realized that she missed eating healthy and exercising. It was something that had become a part of who she was and is today. I feel that this happened to me as well. I couldn't wait to get back on track when we had to come back to reality, and although it has been hard, I'm grateful that I have been unwilling to give up. I know by next week life will be back to normal, and my cravings will have subsided.

Here are a few of my recent Instagram posts. I may have had a rough week, but I am still making progress. The first one is two photos that have been layered together so that you can see my literal progress. It's a little tough to see, but you get the idea. The dark area inside is what I look like now in this shirt.

Up next is a comparison. I am just happy to see that although I weigh the exact same in these two photos, as I am losing weight I am tightening and toning up. Even the same clothes fit very differently because we have been lifting heavy weights and really building muscle when we work out. The left one was taken on our honeymoon, and the right one was taken on our anniversary this week.

This next one is just a comparison from last years family photo to this year. I can see quite a difference.

The final one is what I am most proud of! Although I don't have a photo of me last year wearing this coat, anyone who knows me can confirm that I could barely even zip it up! It was so tight that you could see my stomach and sides bulging out. I decided to put it on just to see how it fit last Friday, and lo and behold:

It's huge on me! I can actually see all the way through it down to the ground when I look inside. I was completely in awe! It's almost too big to wear and feel comfortable in at this point..I don't want to look frumpy!

Finding the sparkle in life and the silver lining through difficult times is the only way for me to press forward! This journey is real and it will lead me to a healthy, happy place if I can just trust the process. As my dad has always said, "slow is your friend!" I never thought that a silly phrase in reference to driving through Sardine Canyon during snow storms would mean so much to me now. It has honestly become a mantra to me during this lifestyle change. My point being, find what works for you. Find your own words of wisdom and repeat them often!

We can definitely do hard things!

October Weigh In

September Weight: 259 lbs
October Weight: 256 lbs
Monthly Loss: -3 lbs
Monthly Inches: 4 
Total Weight Lost: -39 lbs
Total Inches Lost: 24.5

When I started this journey I knew there would be ups and downs. I knew there would be hard things. I wanted to embrace these things and find ways to overcome them! I am honestly grateful for this month and its difficulty, because I didn't give up. Not even once did the thought of giving up enter my mind! That right there is a victory in and of itself! I have looked at each day, each week, and each pound as a stepping stone in my journey. I want to get through this rough patch of a plateau very, very badly, but I am not in a race and things are very trial and error for me right now.

The best parts of September were the things that happened off the scale. I have found an incredible group of people on Instagram and Facebook that are so motivational. I am filling my life full of positive humans that are working toward similar goals as I am, and we are there to encourage and uplift one another. The support I've found has changed my attitude and feelings toward my health in such a positive way! I just feel like surrounding myself with these positive people is such an important part of my journey.

My new toy came in the mail this month and it has been motivating my workouts so much in the past 2 weeks! I got the Polar FT4 Heart Monitor and it is AMAZING!!!  Here she is! She makes me challenge myself during my workouts every day!

My Polar FT4

Another awesome thing that happened was Eli came with me to the gym, and he got a membership himself! We have made a schedule, and plan on going 4 times a week! I feel like my greatest support is here in my home. We are both going to be working toward a healthier lifestyle and it is going to be AMAZING!

This is us heading to the gym for the first time last week. 

I've saved the best for last! I was chosen by the most motivational person I have met (as far as fitness is concerned) to be one of her 5 Transformation Tuesday's! ( Click on the link to see!) She posted my most recent progress photo on her feed and shared my story with her many, many followers! I was able to gain more followers as a result, but it wasn't about that for me. I was just so proud of myself in that moment...to see her recognize me as someone she thought of as inspirational was such a high! I actually called my mom and cried. It was a very real moment for me to see how far I've come, and to watch others recognize that. It was like a gift to me. Here is a photo I snapped of the post she made.

She is AMAZING!

So all in all, it has been an extremely positive month! I am working toward new gym goals, as well as others. I feel like I need to just savor all of this journey and learn as much as I can about myself in the process. My plan is to start weighing in weekly on Instagram, so that I can become more accountable, as well as work out more and more. The holidays are coming and I want to be in a place where I can really practice some self control!

I hope I can still continue to motivate you all through this blog and my other forms of social media! More posts are on their way. Thank you all for your love and support!

Always remember, we can do hard things!

Some Recipes and Snacks to Keep Me Going...

I have found and experimented with SO many foods in the past month to help me break this retched plateau I am having! I have found some real keepers, and thought you might be interested in them. They are all relatively simple, and they are slowly becoming staples in my routine. I will say that my plateau is FINALLY broken and I am back on my way to a smaller me! I will do a weigh in this Friday with some tips on how I broke my plateau both mentally and physically!

Here are some recipes and snacks. I don't have photos for all of them but try them anyway...you will thank me!







Zucchini Chips

1-2 medium zucchini or squash
3 Tbsp oil of your choice
1/4 C grated fat free parmesan cheese
1/4 C breadcrumbs
1 Tsp garlic salt
1 Tsp black pepper

Cut zucchini up into thin rounds, or slice with a mandolin. Drizzle oil over cut up zucchini to coat. In a small bowl combine all other ingredients. Coat oiled zucchini in the parmesan mixture and place on a cookie sheet that has a rack placed on it. The rack will ensure that the chips crisp up. Bake @ 375 degrees for about 20-30 minutes until crisp and golden. Serve immediately.

 Baked Apple Chips

Apples of your choice
Cinnamon for topping (optional)

Wash apples and core them. Leave skin on for a little extra crunch. Slice them as thin as you can. At this point you may put them in a quick lemon juice bath so the won't turn brown, but I skipped that step and they turned out great! Place on a parchment or silpat lined baking sheet and sprinkle with cinnamon at this point if you want to. Bake at 200 degrees for 2 hours or until crispy. Watch closely in the last few minutes so they won't crisp up too much. Store in an airtight container for up to 1 week.

Chocolate Peach Smoothie

2 peaches
1-2 scoops of chocolate protein powder
6 oz 0% Plain greek yogurt
1 c unsweetened almond milk (or water)
Ice cubes

Rinse and peel peaches. Throw everything into a blender and pulse until smooth. OH MY GOSH! This is my favorite smoothie, no contest! I also will use the Vanilla protein powder, but for some reason the chocolate with the peach is DIVINE!

Other food that keeps me satisfied:
- fruit
-Chobani greek yogurt. There are so many kinds and flavors!
- oatmeal sweetened with fruit and almond milk
- plain greek yogurt with a tablespoon of protein powder mixed in plus a little cinnamon... DELISH!
- veggies
- turkey patties (a new staple for me)
- eggs
- Special K cracker chips (30 in a serving!)
- popcorn


Give some of these a try and I know you won't be disappointed!

6 Month Recap

I can't believe that 6 months ago today I was getting a phone call from my doctor telling me the bad news! I remember looking through Pinterest and seeing this photo, which I saved and have had on my phone ever since to keep me motivated.

This quote seriously changed my perspective, and now that I have completed 6 months of my journey I can truly say that it has been more than worth it! It has been such an amazing experience and I have learned so much. I can't wait to see myself in 6 MORE months!

The first 30 pounds came off without much effort, and it has been discouraging at times to see the scale not move so quickly in the past month and a half. However, I have had so many other amazing victories, that I just don't even know where to begin to list them all! Some of them include:

- I put on a pair of size 20 pants yesterday and almost cried! I was in a 26 six months ago!
- I have been able to purchase some shirts/dresses in the regular size section of stores, which is just such an amazing feat in itself to me. It is so nice to have more options become available!
- I was able to get a new pair of work pants (on clearance for $7.50!!!) and have them glide right on last week. Fitting rooms are my worst enemy because nothing ever fits right, so that was a huge deal for this girl!
- I enjoy walking to work.
- I am constantly looking for produce on sale.
- I constantly have produce/lean meat/turkey/greek yogurt/clean food in my home.
- I am loving foods that I used to cringe at.
- My energy levels stay high and I am much less irritable (ask my husband hehe).
- Making leaner/healthier versions of my favorite recipes is becoming second nature to me.

These are just a few, but boy am I just in a better place!

I have decided that I am going to only weigh myself every other week. Sometimes the scale can sabotage you if you get on it too much, and I believe that is part of my plateau. I am getting sick of the numbers fluctuating, yet I am getting on the scale every day. This behavior isn't serving me well. I am moving my scale into my spare bedroom and only getting it out when I want to really weigh. I feel that having it in the bathroom makes me want to jump on it first thing every morning...so out of sight, out of mind!

I will be posting some of my favorite new recipes I've found in the next day or two. I made Apple Turkey Meatballs yesterday that were to die for! Check back soon! 

And as always, thank you all for your support and love! I couldn't do it without each and every one of your kind words and comments!

Just remember...we can ABSOLUTELY do hard things!

Cauliflower Fried Rice Recipe

So, let's be honest.Some healthy recipes that are substitutes for the real deal aren't always appetizing. I have seen so many recipes that call for off the wall ingredients that I just can't imagine eating. However, there are those rare gems that creep out of the woodwork, and then I obsess about it until I make them. Riced cauliflower is one of those gems. I wanted to try it out first in a meal that would be full of flavor to see if I could tell the difference. I rummaged around on Pinterest, and found a recipe to adapt to my liking, and boy was I surprised! OH MY WORD. I took one bite and called my mom, exclaiming that I will never ever buy fried rice from a Chinese restaurant again, as long as I can make this amazingly flavorful and HEALTHY substitute.

This recipe is gluten free, and fits low carb, diabetic, paleo, and whole30 diets. Whatever you do this week, PLEASE go buy a head of cauliflower and make this awesome dish! You can add more protein to it and make it a complete meal, if you wish!

Cauliflower Fried Rice

- 1 Tbsp oil of your choice ( I used EVOO)
- 1 Tbsp garlic
- 1/4 c chopped onion
- 1 1/2 c cauliflower
- 1 Tbsp soy sauce
- 1 egg, beaten
- green onions for garnish (optional)

In your food processor, or on the largest wholes of a box grater, pulse the cauliflower until it becomes the size of rice.  In a medium sized pan, saute onions and garlic in oil until tender and aromatic. Add riced cauliflower and stir fry for about 4-5 minutes. Don't overcook. Add soy sauce and mix well.. Push cauliflower mixture to the side of the pan, and pour the egg in the empty space. Gently scramble the egg. When egg is done, incorporate it into the cauliflower. Mix well, garnish with a few green onions, and DIG IN!

September Weigh-in

August Weight: 264 lbs
September Weight: 259 lbs
Monthly Loss: -5 lbs
Total Weight Lost: -36 lbs
Monthly Inches Lost: 7
Total Inches Lost: 20.5

August was different for me. I don't feel like there was much of a victory on the scale, but I have focused on quite a few non-scale victories this month. First off, I was able to wear my FAVORITE pants that I haven't fit into for quite some time! I bought them right after I got married (2011) and I remember Eli telling me how much he loved them on me. This was a huge victory!

Favorite pants!

 I also have been able to see quite a difference in the way my clothes fit. I can definitely see progress, and it keeps me so motivated to take progress photos. I am sure many of you have see these photos if you follow me on Facebook and Instagram but for those of you who don't, here are my favorites so far.

First photo was 6/10/14 and second was 8/21/14.

In the first photo I was around 180 lbs, so I actually gained 15 lbs and then lost the 36 lbs in between these two photos.

I was washing my hands and looked up and saw myself, and I was just PROUD!

This is a good representation of the inches I've lost.

 So like I said, it wasn't as successful as I wanted it to be in terms of numbers, but the NSV's were awesome! Eli and I have really stepped up the exercise in the past couple of weeks, so I am excited to see what this month brings. I have joined a few Facebook challenges to keep me on my toes with my eating and fitness. I think that sometimes you have to reach outside the box as far as support goes. There are so many resources out there for people who want to better themselves and become healthy! I have realized that I am letting a few bad habits sneak back in, so I am doing my best to put the kibosh on that and get back into my groove.

I saw this quote on a fellow weight-loss blogger's page and I had to share.

See on www.livylove.com

There are so MANY "would have, should have, could have" moments out there! But let's not focus on those. I know this month I have had more of these moments than I would like to count, but my health and wellness are not a race to a finish line. I felt defeated all month watching the scale stick in the same spot, until I got out my camera and looked at my progress in the mirror. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed, so do just that. Be happy AND healthy, and just do your best. If you slip up, don't regret. Find the lesson in that moment and move forward. Do HARD THINGS!

This week I will be posting another recipe, so stay tuned.

If I Could Go Back...

If I could go back I would tell this girl that she is worth it. That she isn't fat or ugly or awkward. I would tell her that she has a beautiful heart that most people don't understand. But one day, when she is a little older, she will find people who see the beauty of her heart, and they will love her all the better for it. I would tell her that every inch of her body was created for a means to live a beautiful, healthy life. I would stroke her hair as she cried, explaining that one day she would have answers to all her heartache, and wouldn't have to walk this earth alone. I would reassure her of her strength and her divine purpose.

I would tell her so many positive, encouraging, uplifting things. I would listen to her patiently so she didn't feel left out or unimportant. I would try to teach her to have better self-love and confidence.

Me @ Girls Camp 2001

Me & my friend Amanda

I remember this day well. I remember putting on that shirt and feeling so fat and ugly. I remember staring in the mirror, worried about that virtually non-existent muffin top. I remember worrying that I was going to get made fun of or talked about (even though my friends weren't like that!) I also remember the day I got these photos back from the printer. I could barely stomach them, picking myself apart at every angle.

I look back at them now and want to reach through time and give my 15 year old self a hug! I was worth so much more than I ever thought. I wish I knew what I know now.

I know we can't change the past, and we can't dwell on it either. 
I DO know that we deserve  love. From others, but most importantly, we deserve it from ourselves!
This life is far too short and too complicated not to love, forgive, and be good to yourself each and every day.

I'm so glad that I found my inner-beauty and my drive to become the best version of myself.

I am glad I have decided to love myself through it all, and remind myself that I can do hard things.
 

I Never Thought I Would Say This...

...but I CRAVE exercise.

What the WHAT?!

I know this was on my list of accomplishments last week, but I feel it deserves more than just a bullet point.

Let me tell you something. I have recently become involved in various social media platforms where many people have lost 100+ pounds, and I have found so much inspiration in their stories. I hope that one day I can be as motivating as them! But there is one thing that they all have in common. At some point in their journey they have this "AHA!" moment where they burst into song about how they used to hate exercise, and now all of a sudden they want to run up every mountain in sight! And I sit over here on my couch and laugh at them thinking, "Yeah right, that is NEVER going to happen to THIS girl!"

Well let me tell you that in a small way it totally has happened to me. I must eat my words now. 

Lately I am finding myself craving a walk in the evenings, or thinking about waking up before Eli on our day off together and heading to the gym for a bit. I don't know exactly what made it click for me. There was no angel singing, or light bulb appearing over my head. I guess I just decided in my heart that exercise, endorphins, sweat and CUTE workout clothes are a necessity in this new lifestyle of mine. And I'm more than ok with that!

Something happened on a walk recently, and I think it had something to do with my epiphany. Eli and I went on a walk on our new favorite trail last week and I decided to push myself.  Like, really hard. I was sweating profusely and breathing so hard that I sounded like some sort of dying animal. I say this funnily, but honestly I was a hot mess. Do you know what happened when I passed other people? Nothing. No one stared or gawked or whispered. I just kept going on my journey and they continued theirs, and no one even acted like they were paying attention to me. I'm sure they were so involved in their own exercise that they didn't even notice my heaving or sweaty hair.

And it felt so DARN good not to care!I was getting the most out of my workout. My workout for me, not for them. Something I was doing to help ME feel better and become a better, fitter human being.

I realized something in that moment. All of my life I have been hiding. Wasting my life in the shadows, looking at other people and longing to be more like them. I have always been social and had friends and been happy, but there has been this part of me holding myself back in fear. Fear for what other people will think of me, or say behind my back, etc. I have been consumed by the fear of rejection and humiliation.

I am done with that fear. I am jumping off that cycle of self-destruction, and heading to a place of peace and faith. Faith in myself to accomplish my goals, and inner peace in my mind allowing myself to just BE in EVERY moment. Be happy. Be sweaty. Be loved. Be fit. Be strong. Be faithful. Be fearless!

We are all worth it. We can all overcome the hard things, and do them with passion!

Left: June,  Right: August. Same shirt. 

Me on 8/22/14.

Sugar Free Zucchini Muffins

Last week I was given two GIANT zucchinis. I am talking 4 cups shredded, each! So I decided to do what any good neighbor should and make some zucchini bread. Since I was making it for a family friend, I didn't want to experiment too much with artificial sweeteners, so I found a delicious sounding recipe on Pinterest. Let me tell you something...that was the best zucchini bread I have ever eaten. It made two loaves, so I naturally had to keep one and taste it. Within 3 days I had eaten the entire loaf. I think Eli ate one piece, but he isn't into sweet treats. 

I didn't realize at the time what happens to you when you go off of the sugar and then decide to dabble a little...especially as a diabetic. That loaf had one whole cup of sugar and another cup of oil in it. Needless to say, I got sick. Not sick in a normal way; sick in a disgusting, bloated, grumpy, negative, pile-of-garbage way. It was about the worst week I've had since my first week off the sugar back in March. I was miserable and mean and short-tempered and nauseous and just horrid!

Long story short, the next giant zucchini was going to go bad today. So this time, I adapted my recipe and tweaked it and managed to get some delicious muffins without the guilt!

Zucchini Muffins

3 cups zucchini, finely grated
3 cups wheat flour or white flour
2/3 cup unsweetened apple sauce
1/3 cup oil ( to keep the muffins light and fluffy)
2 eggs, beaten
1/2 cup + 2 Tablespoons + 2 teaspoons Truvia for Baking*
1 Tablespoon vanilla
2 teaspoons baking soda
3 teaspoons cinnamon
pinch of salt
Walnuts or Pecans (optional)

 Combine all ingredients in a large mixing bowl. No need to use a mixer. Liberally spray a muffin tin with canola oil. Fill each cup to the top and bake the muffins @ 350 degrees for 20-25 minutes until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.

This recipe should make between 15-20 muffins,depending on the size of your cups.

*You can substitute Truvia for 1 1/3 cup Splenda for Baking if you wish.

I hope you love these as much as I do! They ring in at 3 WW points each, which isn't bad for how hearty and large they are! :

Things To Look Forward To

Being overweight  or obese (I hate that word) is not an easy thing to be. I am not exaggerating when  I say that probably 10+ times a day I have been faced with dilemmas as a result of my large body. Things that healthy people take for granted are hard for us bigger people. Most of them are simple day to day things that you would never think were an issue unless you have a weight problem. So without further ado, here are my lists. The first is a list of the things I have accomplished in the last few months. The second is a list of the things I still have to look forward to as my journey continues.

Some Accomplishments Thus Far: 

- Down 2 pant sizes
- Off my cholesterol/blood pressure meds
- More flexible
- Sleeping better
- My feet aren't swollen anymore.
- I can sit in chairs/cars/movie theater seats/etc more comfortably
- I can fit in a few booth seats at restaurants that I used to have trouble with. (One of my favorites!)
- I can walk 2 miles without taking a break.
- Clothes that haven't fit me in years fit again. ( My favorite pants...yay!)
- Things in the bedroom are better. Especially with the confidence I am gaining. (TMI? Sorry.)
-  I can wear my seat belt without it choking me.
- I have a lot more mental clarity.
- I no longer worry about what people are thinking when I am exercising in public.
- I voluntarily walk places. (Like I am excited for the weather to cool off so I can walk to work.)
- I am beginning to WANT to exercise.


 Things To Look Forward To: 

- Riding the Rocket and all the rides at Lagoon
- Running/Playing without getting winded
-  Being able to complete hikes that I can't do now
- Getting out of the plus size section
- Feeling better about myself in photos
- Better sex life (Once again, we're all adults here. I'm a married woman.)
- Better chance at having a baby.
- Not getting stared at in restaurants, even when I'm eating a normal amount of food.
- Buying clothes EVERYWHERE!
- Climbing a mountain clear to the top!
- Stairs
- Lawn chairs
- Somersaults!
- Heels!
- Beautiful Clothes (I don't want to spend too much $$ while I'm still losing, so it's clearance for now)
- My green coat!
- My plaid jacket!
- Painting my toenails without having to maneuver my body some strange way.
- Hugging my knee to my chest again. (Weird, but I used to be so flexible!)
- Airplane comfort
- Doing ALL the physical things easier!

These are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head. I am honestly finding non-scale victories in my life almost daily, and it is so refreshing! I hope that if you are along side me on this journey, that you will make a list of the things you can look forward to. It's such a motivation!

Next up, a recipe for some delicious sugar free, low cal muffins I made today!

We can do hard things!

The Dress and a Big Life Lesson

My mom used to get this catalog in the mail each month. Coldwater Creek catalog. The majority of the clothes in it were for adult women, but I loved going through it to think of all of the pretty things I could one day wear. I had just gained about 30 pounds back from my lowest weight ever I was about 160 at the time, and I thought that if I could order one of these dresses in a size 16 it might just fit and make me forget how I had gained. I would be pretty if I just wore this dress! It was a black tea-length dress with white polka dots and pink shrug to go over it. It also had a pink ribbon to tie in the front. SO CUTE!  My mom got it for me, and I waited patiently for it to arrive.

Well the dress came, and when I tried it on I cried. It wouldn't even go up past my thighs. I couldn't believe it! How in the heck was this possible!? My jeans were a size 16, so why on earth couldn't I at least get the dress to go on, never mind zipping it up!?! My mom felt bad, so she encouraged me to hang the dress up where I could see it as an incentive. Maybe if I just lost a few pounds it would fit! I thought it couldn't hurt, so I hung it in my closet front and center where I could look at it longingly every day.

Months passed and I still couldn't get in it. I lost about 10 pounds, and it still didn't go on. Sometimes I would just sit and stare at the dress, imagining what I would do while wearing it. I pictured myself going on a date in it, looking adorable at church in it, walking hand in hand with a boy while wearing it, etc. It was the Ultimate Goal. I think I spent literal hours fixated on a piece of fabric.

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this dress hung in my closet for years, taunting me like a piece of cheesecake taunts my now-diabetic self. I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed. And you know what? I never wore it. I gained and gained until it wasn't even a feasible option anymore. It still just sat in the closet, welcoming me home on the weekends when I visited from Snow College. It was a friendly reminder as to why I wasn't staying down at school to go on dates with boys. ( Just for the record...I think I would have actually gone on some dates if I would have stayed there and had some confidence and actually SPOKE to a member of the opposite sex in any of my classes.) 

One day I started to think really hard about the dress. I pulled it out of the closet and grabbed another dress that did fit me. I compared them. Something wasn't right. The coveted dress seemed far too small to be close in size to the other one. I yelled for my mom and ran the dress in to her. "Mom I need you to try this on. Right now!" She looked at me like I was crazy, but she did it anyway.

Now if any of you know my mother, you know that she is a TINY woman. She weights about 115 soaking wet. I am talking tiny, little, adorable, fun-sized human here. (She is my best friend, too, but that is a different story for a different day.) So my miniscule mommy slid this dress on, zipped it up, and there was hardly any extra room in that dress that she wasn't filling out. I couldn't believe it. The dress had been marked wrong. It wasn't me, it was the dress.

Naturally, we moved the dress over to my mom's closet. (I don't know if she ever wore it, honestly.) I believe over the course of  the next few weeks I cried a lot over this realization. Sometimes it was over relief, other times it was more of a "why did this dress do this to me" cry.

Here is the part that I didn't understand then, and I do understand a little better now: I was wallowing and blaming and shaming all at once. First of all, it was just a piece of fabric that I should have never allowed to define me the way it did. I should have just sent the dress back and gone out and found one that did fit and made me feel beautiful. There is nothing anywhere in the world that states "gaining a few pounds means you can't feel beautiful." Second, it was not the dress' fault that I didn't fit into it. Yes, it could have been the manufacturer's fault that it got mis-marked, but why waste time and energy blaming them and hating them for something that they didn't even know about?! And third, this just made me spiral more down into the shame cycle I talked about with you earlier.

I come from a long line of blamers. Blaming and finding excuses runs in my blood. I don't want to be this any more. I refuse to be it. I won't allow myself to pass the buck on for self-gratification any more. It is my life and I make the choices. If I want to get healthy, I need to just do what it takes, instead of making excuse after excuse until I have none left. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Being healthy helps life become more enjoyable! I just want everyone to live their lives to the fullest and see all of the possibilities, without holding back!

We can do ALL the hard things, including getting past the obstacles we make for ourselves.

My mom and I  on my Wedding Day 10/14/11

First Weigh-In

August Weight: 264 lbs
July Weight: 272 lbs
Monthly Loss: - 8 lbs
Monthly Inches Lost: 13.5

So this month I dropped 8 pounds, 13.5 inches and 1 pant size! I am feeling great, especially in the Non-Scale Victory department! I also met my 10% weight loss goal with WW! I can't believe how motivated this blog, along with my Facebook page, are making me. They are seriously helping me stay accountable and EXCITED about what my life is becoming.


I didn't post much last week, and I have a few posts I need to catch up on. I did make my two diabetic-friendly recipes I am going to share. I also have a personal scenario I want to tell you about, and my list of things to look forward to with weight loss. I will get to these this week, I promise.

Now for the best news of the month! I had to go to the doctor this week for some issues I was having and I found out that I NO LONGER NEED MY BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION!!!!! This is such a huge hurdle for me to overcome! I honestly shed some tears, and shared a few words of deep gratitude to my Heavenly Father for helping me stay on track, and making this whole process so attainable thus far. My blood pressure is in completely normal range without the pills, and unless something drastically changes in the future, I will never have to take them again! I scheduled another A1C check for the end of the month, so I will do another post at that time when I found out if my numbers have gone down in the Diabetic department.

It was so nice to go to my doctor and see him genuinely proud of what I have done in the past few months! It is moments like those that make me keep going and realize how much better a healthy lifestyle is.

Life is truly beautiful when you are trying to better yourself, my friends! I am so happy that I can hold my head high and accept the things that are happening in my life, instead of fearing the negative constantly. This is one of the many perks of creating a healthier lifestyle: mental clarity.I love my body AND my mind!

 Remember, we can do hard things!

Progress: 30 lbs down

Sneaking Food & Shame Cycle

I want to talk about something that I daresay a lot of women out there have done at least once in their lives. It is a topic that I addressed in my old blog once, and ended up having several people approach me about, because they had been there too. So...let's bring it up and talk about it here where it belongs!

Sneaking food.

I think some of you may consider this binging, and where I will agree that it is a type of binging, I don't think that it can be labeled completely as such. To me, binging doesn't have to necessarily be done in private. You can binge anywhere, with anyone. Sneaking food requires a slightly different mindset. When you are sneaking, you want to hide it from everyone. You don't want anyone to see you eating and judge you. You are essentially ashamed of yourself and your behavior, so you eat it in private, no matter the amount of food. If no one sees it, it didn't really happen...right?

Here are some of the things I've been known to do when I "Sneak":

- Go through the drive thru at (any) restaurant and order something and then hurry and eat it on the way home and get rid of the package so my husband/neighbor/mom/dog can't see the evidence. Or even better, pull over and eat it in an empty parking lot.

- Hide away treats in the house where I know no one will see them, and eat them when people are sleeping or not home.

- Buy a value meal, plus an extra sandwich or something and then eat it out of a bag if I'm in a public place so no one can see just how much food I really got.

- Buying and eating an entire box of cupcakes or other sweet treat and eat the ENTIRE thing while on my lunch break so no one knows how disgusting I am.

See the pattern?

There are a few things about this behavior I want to address. First of all, I haven't actually been doing this as often since I started my diabetic journey. I can only count twice when I have, and both times it has been treats that I knew I shouldn't be eating because of the sugar content. I think I finally realized that I don't need to hide my indulgences from the world. I also have been addressing what emotional need I have at that particular moment that makes me want to hide myself away and eat. I believe that in reality, when we stop and think about it, the urge to sneak is stemming from an emotional need that isn't being met. If I go back to the times that I remember hiding food from my husband or parents, it was usually because I was angry or upset or felt inadequate in some way.

It is no secret that I have gone to counseling at various times in my life. I am not ashamed of counseling. In fact I believe that everyone needs to go and speak with a person who is completely unbiased about the problems that they are having. If I could afford it, I would pay for everyone to go see a professional about their stresses and insecurities. It is one of the best things I've ever done for my overall health and well-being. (Cue stepping off of my soapbox.) While I was in counseling, we talked about a thing called a Shame Cycle. I am including a diagram here so you can see exactly what I am referring to.

 source: http://blog.palmpartners.com

 

 

 

This is the Cycle of Addiction, or the Shame Cycle. Every human being uses this cycle in some way, and even in multiple ways. My favorite way to use this cycle is with food. (Insert sarcasm here.) It is the ways in which we use our emotions to trigger bad behavior like sneaking food.

So the way it works for me is that I will be just living my life and being my happy self, and then something triggers my shame. It usually comes in the form of a comment from someone that makes me feel inadequate or "small." I'm not talking about my weight, but rather my spirit. When I start to feel small I immediately think of food. (Craving.) I begin to have bad self talk and wallow. My wallowing usually consists of me feeling stupid and then it triggers my weight and how I am so fat and I can't seem to get a grip on it...you know, the really good stuff. I sit there and fat shame myself (Ritual) until I come to the conclusion that I might as well go stuff my face with some treats or bake something, because I'm never going to win my weight battle anyway. I then just give in and eat a whole bunch of unhealthy junk, usually by sneaking it somehow. (Use.) I immediately feel guilty for eating all of that junk, because it really didn't make me feel good; it just comforted my temporary needs.(Guilt.) At that point I shrug everything off and wait for another emotional trigger, which could happen as early as later that same day if we are being honest here.

So that, my friends, is the Shame Cycle. I feel deeply about this, and I want everyone to find a way out of it! Find a way to realize the triggers before they become cravings, whether it's food, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or just plain depression. It is something that you can begin to control. For myself, I made a list of the things that I can do when I begin to feel small that help boost my self-esteem.

Some of the ways I bring myself up out of the cycle are:

- remind myself how far I've come
- make a list of my goals
- write here in the blog
- talk it out with a friend, my husband, or my mom
- color (coloring clears my mind)
- pray
- take a walk/exercise
- repeat a positive mantra in my head

These are just a few of the things that you can so to make yourself feel worthy of your own love and acceptance! It is so important to get rid of this negativity and move on with your positive journey! I am certainly not perfect at this, and I often stumble, but I hope that I can continue to get better and get rid of the shame for good!

We can do hard things!

30 Before 30

I saw this idea on another blog I follow and I loved it! As you know I turned 29 last Friday. I think that now is as good a time as any to really nip this fitness stuff in the bud so that I can enter my 30s feeling better than ever! I have come up with a list, and as I complete each one I will come back and cross it off and put in a date of completion.

My ultimate goal is to enter my 30s as healthily as I entered my 20s, if not healthier. I began my 20s at around 190, and I wasn't exercising at all. I was on a steep climb to where I am now. Just the fact that I wasn't exercising then gives me a jump start on my goal! If I were to complete that goal, it would put me at 100 pounds lost...which to me sounds almost too hard to believe! Here's to a healthier me in 2015!

30 Before 30  

1. Run one mile without stopping.
2. Walk/run a 5k.
3. Walk/run a 10k.
4. Hike 10 different mountain trails.
      1- Tony Grove to White Pine Lake: 8 miles. 06/25/14
      2-
      3-
      4-
      5-
      6-
      7-
      8-
      9-
      10-
5. Complete a total of 500 miles of running/walking/biking/hiking.
6. Do 10 full sit ups unassisted.
7. Try a yoga class.
8. Try a zumba class.
9. Own a bike.
10. Complete all 3 segments of Biggest Loser Boot Camp: Cardio Max without stopping.
11. Eliminate soda from my daily routine. (Only allow it on special occasions.)
12. Incorporate 64 oz of water into my day.
13. Eat out no more than twice a week for 6 months straight. (This will be difficult with our work schedules.)
14. Exercise 5x a week..
15. Get completely out of the plus size section.
16. Try 2 new diabetic friendly recipes each month and blog about them.
      July:
      August:
      September:
      October:
      November:
      December:
      January:
      February:
      March:
      April:
      May:
      June:
17: Complete 3 WW Challenges.
18: Blog 2-3 times per week.
19. Buy a dress for my 30th birthday that I feel beautiful in, preferably from a dress shop.
20. Buy a bra from Victoria's Secret. (I haven't fit in one for over 4 years.)
21. Crochet a blanket.
22. Make all of my Christmas gifts this year.
23. Get off of my cholesterol and blood pressure medication. BP completed 8/1/14
24. Read the unabridged version of Les Miserables.
25. Swim @ Bear Lake in a suit I feel comfortable in.
26. Write one Thank You note each month to someone who has impacted my life in some way.
      July-
      August-
      September-
      October-
      November-
      December-
      January-
      February-
      March-
      April -
      May-
      June-
27. Ride the Rocket at Lagoon without feeling too big!
28. Take one motivational photo each day and post it to Instagram with (hash-tag) #365motivate
29. Take a REAL vacation.
30. Ring in my 30s healthier than I rang in my 20s. 100 pounds lost, and weighing in at 190 pounds or less.


I can do ALL the hard things!

Weigh-in Friday + New Workouts

I feel that there is something monotonous about weighing in publicly every single week. Where I would love to shout my every little victory from the rooftops, something tells me that the reason why you are here is for more than my progress on the scale. Please don't take offense if you are reading this and thinking "I love to post my weight each week to show my progress." If you post your each week, that is awesome! I'm glad that you are moving forward and accomplishing your goal! Personally, I just want to make this blog about more than the numbers.

 I weighed a day early this week, so I will tell you that this morning I hopped on and saw a wonderful 268! I haven't weighed that in about 2 years. It felt amazing to see the progress, and that makes 27 pounds down for me total. I am loving life at the moment! My body is moving in ways that it hasn't been able to for over a year now...and boy does it feel good.

That all being said, from here on out I will post my current weight on the first Friday of every month. My goal is to hopefully hit around a 10 pound loss each month. I just joined a Challenge Group on WW (Weight Watchers) with a goal to lose 50 pounds by January 1st, 2015. I am hoping that all will go well and I will succeed! That would average out about a 2 pound loss each week, and I feel that it is doable.

I have incorporated a few new things into my daily routine I want to tell you about. First off, I purchased Leslie Sansone's Ultimate 5 Day Walk Plan and I love it! It has 5 separate miles that you can choose from.  So you can do a combination of the miles and do up to 5 at one time to get a really thorough walk in, or if you are pressed for time, you can do one mile in about 15 minutes. Her style is aerobic walking so the miles aren't boring at all, and she has a very perky personality. She also includes 5 mini workouts that each target a specific part of your body. I have done it for 3 days now and I can already feel a difference. It is a great low/moderate workout for those of us who are new to exercise.

I also downloaded the RunKeeper App on my phone, and it is amazing! I love that it has multiple exercises to choose from, and it tracks your route and calories burned so specifically. Eli and I tried it tonight on a trail that we love and it was awesome to see exactly how far we walked. I seriously suggest downloading it if you walk/run/hike/bike/etc.

Well that is all for now, but I will be updating again this weekend with my list of "30 Before 30."
I am setting 30 fitness (and other) goals to accomplish before the big 3-0 next year!

Remember - we can do hard things!

From The Beginning...

I have always been a chubby girl. I was always bigger than my friends, and something inside of me always felt out of place. There is something different about being "obese" your whole life. You never feel like you can truly get down to a healthy weight, because you have never been there. It can become a dark and bitter place inside your head where motivation is difficult to find.

I remember my mom telling me a story about when I was learning to crawl. My left side was paralyzed due to a stroke I had at two days old, so I fell down many times in the process. Mom said that she would hear a thud as I fell, but then my little voice would say "up, up, up!" and I would get back up and try again. I was born with a fire in me to push myself and succeed, but it dimmed as time went on. While other kids played sports and ran around the playground, I tried my hardest, but I never felt it was good enough. I would get embarrassed after a few tries, and some snarky looks from my peers would inevitably leave me alone in a corner somewhere feeling sorry for myself. My shame cycle started early.

I remember feeling like I would never date in high school, and no one would ever marry me unless I lost weight. It was useless to try because I would never succeed and look like so-and-so. My weight hovered in the 160s, which at the time I felt was huge. I look back at those photos of myself and want to scream at my adolescent mind to embrace my curves and love my body! In truth, I wasn't fat at all in high school...just average. And beautiful.

 My junior year of high school.

My senior year, 2003.

I went off to college and continued to feel inadequate, as I was the heaviest of all my roommates. I made many friends at Sow College, some of my very best to this day! My weight hovered around 190 when I left.

My roommates and I, 2005.

The rest of my story is a blur, with too many weight fluctuations to count. Ultimately I ended up graduating from Utah State is 2010, and shortly after that I met my husband. I weighed 250 on our wedding day, and I felt beautiful. I finally found a man that loved me for me, no matter my size. I wasn't afraid to show him all of myself because he loved every bit of it! We felt lucky to find each other...he is my best friend.

Eli and I, 2011

Wedding Day, October 14, 2011

I thought that by marrying the man of my dreams, I would inevitably begin loving my body and letting go of self doubt. Sadly, around January after the wedding shine wore off and the holidays were over, I had nothing to look forward to. I spiraled into a depression that I had never experienced before. I was always a little depressed, but this was horrid. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go to work. I fought with Eli and made him feel hopeless in our marriage, because I was so down and angry all of the time. It was truly the worst 6 months of my life. During the dark days, I found solace in food. The scale tipped and I didn't care anymore. Things eventually got better, but the weight stayed on. 

Finally, after  having a few good talks with family and friends, I finally went and got a complete physical in March of this year. I was then diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. The number in the scale was the biggest I've ever seen (295), and I knew that I needed to nip this in the bud. In order to start a family and give that family the time and energy it deserves, my quality of life needed to be drastically different.

I began Weight Watchers for about the 3rd time in my life, but this time I stuck with it. I've lost 25 pound so far, without much activity. The changes I have made with food have carried me this far. I feel like it is time to kick it up a notch and really get this going, so I am starting a walking routine to help me train for a 5k tomorrow. I can't wait til the day I can compete my first 5k! 

Many things in life can discourage you and make you feel small. As I stated at the beginning of this post, my shame cycle started very early on. That cycle stayed with me up until this year when I finally put a name on it, and put it in it's proper place. I found my fire again! I no longer look at my body as something that defines me, or controls me. I don't even look at myself as a work in progress. I try to celebrate what it can do for me and what it is capable of. I want to fuel it in a way that will best benefit me and my future little ones. While I work at that, I know there will be bumps in my road and I refuse to ignore them. They need to be addressed and owned, and I feel that this space can be a place where I do that. A positive place, where I acknowledge the pain, joy, etc and move on.

I hope this can be a place for you, too. 

We can do hard things.

Me @ Mirror Lake June 2014 (280 lbs)

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