Sneaking Food & Shame Cycle

I want to talk about something that I daresay a lot of women out there have done at least once in their lives. It is a topic that I addressed in my old blog once, and ended up having several people approach me about, because they had been there too. So...let's bring it up and talk about it here where it belongs!

Sneaking food.

I think some of you may consider this binging, and where I will agree that it is a type of binging, I don't think that it can be labeled completely as such. To me, binging doesn't have to necessarily be done in private. You can binge anywhere, with anyone. Sneaking food requires a slightly different mindset. When you are sneaking, you want to hide it from everyone. You don't want anyone to see you eating and judge you. You are essentially ashamed of yourself and your behavior, so you eat it in private, no matter the amount of food. If no one sees it, it didn't really happen...right?

Here are some of the things I've been known to do when I "Sneak":

- Go through the drive thru at (any) restaurant and order something and then hurry and eat it on the way home and get rid of the package so my husband/neighbor/mom/dog can't see the evidence. Or even better, pull over and eat it in an empty parking lot.

- Hide away treats in the house where I know no one will see them, and eat them when people are sleeping or not home.

- Buy a value meal, plus an extra sandwich or something and then eat it out of a bag if I'm in a public place so no one can see just how much food I really got.

- Buying and eating an entire box of cupcakes or other sweet treat and eat the ENTIRE thing while on my lunch break so no one knows how disgusting I am.

See the pattern?

There are a few things about this behavior I want to address. First of all, I haven't actually been doing this as often since I started my diabetic journey. I can only count twice when I have, and both times it has been treats that I knew I shouldn't be eating because of the sugar content. I think I finally realized that I don't need to hide my indulgences from the world. I also have been addressing what emotional need I have at that particular moment that makes me want to hide myself away and eat. I believe that in reality, when we stop and think about it, the urge to sneak is stemming from an emotional need that isn't being met. If I go back to the times that I remember hiding food from my husband or parents, it was usually because I was angry or upset or felt inadequate in some way.

It is no secret that I have gone to counseling at various times in my life. I am not ashamed of counseling. In fact I believe that everyone needs to go and speak with a person who is completely unbiased about the problems that they are having. If I could afford it, I would pay for everyone to go see a professional about their stresses and insecurities. It is one of the best things I've ever done for my overall health and well-being. (Cue stepping off of my soapbox.) While I was in counseling, we talked about a thing called a Shame Cycle. I am including a diagram here so you can see exactly what I am referring to.

 source: http://blog.palmpartners.com

 

 

 

This is the Cycle of Addiction, or the Shame Cycle. Every human being uses this cycle in some way, and even in multiple ways. My favorite way to use this cycle is with food. (Insert sarcasm here.) It is the ways in which we use our emotions to trigger bad behavior like sneaking food.

So the way it works for me is that I will be just living my life and being my happy self, and then something triggers my shame. It usually comes in the form of a comment from someone that makes me feel inadequate or "small." I'm not talking about my weight, but rather my spirit. When I start to feel small I immediately think of food. (Craving.) I begin to have bad self talk and wallow. My wallowing usually consists of me feeling stupid and then it triggers my weight and how I am so fat and I can't seem to get a grip on it...you know, the really good stuff. I sit there and fat shame myself (Ritual) until I come to the conclusion that I might as well go stuff my face with some treats or bake something, because I'm never going to win my weight battle anyway. I then just give in and eat a whole bunch of unhealthy junk, usually by sneaking it somehow. (Use.) I immediately feel guilty for eating all of that junk, because it really didn't make me feel good; it just comforted my temporary needs.(Guilt.) At that point I shrug everything off and wait for another emotional trigger, which could happen as early as later that same day if we are being honest here.

So that, my friends, is the Shame Cycle. I feel deeply about this, and I want everyone to find a way out of it! Find a way to realize the triggers before they become cravings, whether it's food, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or just plain depression. It is something that you can begin to control. For myself, I made a list of the things that I can do when I begin to feel small that help boost my self-esteem.

Some of the ways I bring myself up out of the cycle are:

- remind myself how far I've come
- make a list of my goals
- write here in the blog
- talk it out with a friend, my husband, or my mom
- color (coloring clears my mind)
- pray
- take a walk/exercise
- repeat a positive mantra in my head

These are just a few of the things that you can so to make yourself feel worthy of your own love and acceptance! It is so important to get rid of this negativity and move on with your positive journey! I am certainly not perfect at this, and I often stumble, but I hope that I can continue to get better and get rid of the shame for good!

We can do hard things!