If I Could Go Back...

If I could go back I would tell this girl that she is worth it. That she isn't fat or ugly or awkward. I would tell her that she has a beautiful heart that most people don't understand. But one day, when she is a little older, she will find people who see the beauty of her heart, and they will love her all the better for it. I would tell her that every inch of her body was created for a means to live a beautiful, healthy life. I would stroke her hair as she cried, explaining that one day she would have answers to all her heartache, and wouldn't have to walk this earth alone. I would reassure her of her strength and her divine purpose.

I would tell her so many positive, encouraging, uplifting things. I would listen to her patiently so she didn't feel left out or unimportant. I would try to teach her to have better self-love and confidence.

Me @ Girls Camp 2001

Me & my friend Amanda

I remember this day well. I remember putting on that shirt and feeling so fat and ugly. I remember staring in the mirror, worried about that virtually non-existent muffin top. I remember worrying that I was going to get made fun of or talked about (even though my friends weren't like that!) I also remember the day I got these photos back from the printer. I could barely stomach them, picking myself apart at every angle.

I look back at them now and want to reach through time and give my 15 year old self a hug! I was worth so much more than I ever thought. I wish I knew what I know now.

I know we can't change the past, and we can't dwell on it either. 
I DO know that we deserve  love. From others, but most importantly, we deserve it from ourselves!
This life is far too short and too complicated not to love, forgive, and be good to yourself each and every day.

I'm so glad that I found my inner-beauty and my drive to become the best version of myself.

I am glad I have decided to love myself through it all, and remind myself that I can do hard things.
 

I Never Thought I Would Say This...

...but I CRAVE exercise.

What the WHAT?!

I know this was on my list of accomplishments last week, but I feel it deserves more than just a bullet point.

Let me tell you something. I have recently become involved in various social media platforms where many people have lost 100+ pounds, and I have found so much inspiration in their stories. I hope that one day I can be as motivating as them! But there is one thing that they all have in common. At some point in their journey they have this "AHA!" moment where they burst into song about how they used to hate exercise, and now all of a sudden they want to run up every mountain in sight! And I sit over here on my couch and laugh at them thinking, "Yeah right, that is NEVER going to happen to THIS girl!"

Well let me tell you that in a small way it totally has happened to me. I must eat my words now. 

Lately I am finding myself craving a walk in the evenings, or thinking about waking up before Eli on our day off together and heading to the gym for a bit. I don't know exactly what made it click for me. There was no angel singing, or light bulb appearing over my head. I guess I just decided in my heart that exercise, endorphins, sweat and CUTE workout clothes are a necessity in this new lifestyle of mine. And I'm more than ok with that!

Something happened on a walk recently, and I think it had something to do with my epiphany. Eli and I went on a walk on our new favorite trail last week and I decided to push myself.  Like, really hard. I was sweating profusely and breathing so hard that I sounded like some sort of dying animal. I say this funnily, but honestly I was a hot mess. Do you know what happened when I passed other people? Nothing. No one stared or gawked or whispered. I just kept going on my journey and they continued theirs, and no one even acted like they were paying attention to me. I'm sure they were so involved in their own exercise that they didn't even notice my heaving or sweaty hair.

And it felt so DARN good not to care!I was getting the most out of my workout. My workout for me, not for them. Something I was doing to help ME feel better and become a better, fitter human being.

I realized something in that moment. All of my life I have been hiding. Wasting my life in the shadows, looking at other people and longing to be more like them. I have always been social and had friends and been happy, but there has been this part of me holding myself back in fear. Fear for what other people will think of me, or say behind my back, etc. I have been consumed by the fear of rejection and humiliation.

I am done with that fear. I am jumping off that cycle of self-destruction, and heading to a place of peace and faith. Faith in myself to accomplish my goals, and inner peace in my mind allowing myself to just BE in EVERY moment. Be happy. Be sweaty. Be loved. Be fit. Be strong. Be faithful. Be fearless!

We are all worth it. We can all overcome the hard things, and do them with passion!

Left: June,  Right: August. Same shirt. 

Me on 8/22/14.

The Dress and a Big Life Lesson

My mom used to get this catalog in the mail each month. Coldwater Creek catalog. The majority of the clothes in it were for adult women, but I loved going through it to think of all of the pretty things I could one day wear. I had just gained about 30 pounds back from my lowest weight ever I was about 160 at the time, and I thought that if I could order one of these dresses in a size 16 it might just fit and make me forget how I had gained. I would be pretty if I just wore this dress! It was a black tea-length dress with white polka dots and pink shrug to go over it. It also had a pink ribbon to tie in the front. SO CUTE!  My mom got it for me, and I waited patiently for it to arrive.

Well the dress came, and when I tried it on I cried. It wouldn't even go up past my thighs. I couldn't believe it! How in the heck was this possible!? My jeans were a size 16, so why on earth couldn't I at least get the dress to go on, never mind zipping it up!?! My mom felt bad, so she encouraged me to hang the dress up where I could see it as an incentive. Maybe if I just lost a few pounds it would fit! I thought it couldn't hurt, so I hung it in my closet front and center where I could look at it longingly every day.

Months passed and I still couldn't get in it. I lost about 10 pounds, and it still didn't go on. Sometimes I would just sit and stare at the dress, imagining what I would do while wearing it. I pictured myself going on a date in it, looking adorable at church in it, walking hand in hand with a boy while wearing it, etc. It was the Ultimate Goal. I think I spent literal hours fixated on a piece of fabric.

I am not exaggerating when I tell you that this dress hung in my closet for years, taunting me like a piece of cheesecake taunts my now-diabetic self. I obsessed and obsessed and obsessed. And you know what? I never wore it. I gained and gained until it wasn't even a feasible option anymore. It still just sat in the closet, welcoming me home on the weekends when I visited from Snow College. It was a friendly reminder as to why I wasn't staying down at school to go on dates with boys. ( Just for the record...I think I would have actually gone on some dates if I would have stayed there and had some confidence and actually SPOKE to a member of the opposite sex in any of my classes.) 

One day I started to think really hard about the dress. I pulled it out of the closet and grabbed another dress that did fit me. I compared them. Something wasn't right. The coveted dress seemed far too small to be close in size to the other one. I yelled for my mom and ran the dress in to her. "Mom I need you to try this on. Right now!" She looked at me like I was crazy, but she did it anyway.

Now if any of you know my mother, you know that she is a TINY woman. She weights about 115 soaking wet. I am talking tiny, little, adorable, fun-sized human here. (She is my best friend, too, but that is a different story for a different day.) So my miniscule mommy slid this dress on, zipped it up, and there was hardly any extra room in that dress that she wasn't filling out. I couldn't believe it. The dress had been marked wrong. It wasn't me, it was the dress.

Naturally, we moved the dress over to my mom's closet. (I don't know if she ever wore it, honestly.) I believe over the course of  the next few weeks I cried a lot over this realization. Sometimes it was over relief, other times it was more of a "why did this dress do this to me" cry.

Here is the part that I didn't understand then, and I do understand a little better now: I was wallowing and blaming and shaming all at once. First of all, it was just a piece of fabric that I should have never allowed to define me the way it did. I should have just sent the dress back and gone out and found one that did fit and made me feel beautiful. There is nothing anywhere in the world that states "gaining a few pounds means you can't feel beautiful." Second, it was not the dress' fault that I didn't fit into it. Yes, it could have been the manufacturer's fault that it got mis-marked, but why waste time and energy blaming them and hating them for something that they didn't even know about?! And third, this just made me spiral more down into the shame cycle I talked about with you earlier.

I come from a long line of blamers. Blaming and finding excuses runs in my blood. I don't want to be this any more. I refuse to be it. I won't allow myself to pass the buck on for self-gratification any more. It is my life and I make the choices. If I want to get healthy, I need to just do what it takes, instead of making excuse after excuse until I have none left. Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed. Being healthy helps life become more enjoyable! I just want everyone to live their lives to the fullest and see all of the possibilities, without holding back!

We can do ALL the hard things, including getting past the obstacles we make for ourselves.

My mom and I  on my Wedding Day 10/14/11

Sneaking Food & Shame Cycle

I want to talk about something that I daresay a lot of women out there have done at least once in their lives. It is a topic that I addressed in my old blog once, and ended up having several people approach me about, because they had been there too. So...let's bring it up and talk about it here where it belongs!

Sneaking food.

I think some of you may consider this binging, and where I will agree that it is a type of binging, I don't think that it can be labeled completely as such. To me, binging doesn't have to necessarily be done in private. You can binge anywhere, with anyone. Sneaking food requires a slightly different mindset. When you are sneaking, you want to hide it from everyone. You don't want anyone to see you eating and judge you. You are essentially ashamed of yourself and your behavior, so you eat it in private, no matter the amount of food. If no one sees it, it didn't really happen...right?

Here are some of the things I've been known to do when I "Sneak":

- Go through the drive thru at (any) restaurant and order something and then hurry and eat it on the way home and get rid of the package so my husband/neighbor/mom/dog can't see the evidence. Or even better, pull over and eat it in an empty parking lot.

- Hide away treats in the house where I know no one will see them, and eat them when people are sleeping or not home.

- Buy a value meal, plus an extra sandwich or something and then eat it out of a bag if I'm in a public place so no one can see just how much food I really got.

- Buying and eating an entire box of cupcakes or other sweet treat and eat the ENTIRE thing while on my lunch break so no one knows how disgusting I am.

See the pattern?

There are a few things about this behavior I want to address. First of all, I haven't actually been doing this as often since I started my diabetic journey. I can only count twice when I have, and both times it has been treats that I knew I shouldn't be eating because of the sugar content. I think I finally realized that I don't need to hide my indulgences from the world. I also have been addressing what emotional need I have at that particular moment that makes me want to hide myself away and eat. I believe that in reality, when we stop and think about it, the urge to sneak is stemming from an emotional need that isn't being met. If I go back to the times that I remember hiding food from my husband or parents, it was usually because I was angry or upset or felt inadequate in some way.

It is no secret that I have gone to counseling at various times in my life. I am not ashamed of counseling. In fact I believe that everyone needs to go and speak with a person who is completely unbiased about the problems that they are having. If I could afford it, I would pay for everyone to go see a professional about their stresses and insecurities. It is one of the best things I've ever done for my overall health and well-being. (Cue stepping off of my soapbox.) While I was in counseling, we talked about a thing called a Shame Cycle. I am including a diagram here so you can see exactly what I am referring to.

 source: http://blog.palmpartners.com

 

 

 

This is the Cycle of Addiction, or the Shame Cycle. Every human being uses this cycle in some way, and even in multiple ways. My favorite way to use this cycle is with food. (Insert sarcasm here.) It is the ways in which we use our emotions to trigger bad behavior like sneaking food.

So the way it works for me is that I will be just living my life and being my happy self, and then something triggers my shame. It usually comes in the form of a comment from someone that makes me feel inadequate or "small." I'm not talking about my weight, but rather my spirit. When I start to feel small I immediately think of food. (Craving.) I begin to have bad self talk and wallow. My wallowing usually consists of me feeling stupid and then it triggers my weight and how I am so fat and I can't seem to get a grip on it...you know, the really good stuff. I sit there and fat shame myself (Ritual) until I come to the conclusion that I might as well go stuff my face with some treats or bake something, because I'm never going to win my weight battle anyway. I then just give in and eat a whole bunch of unhealthy junk, usually by sneaking it somehow. (Use.) I immediately feel guilty for eating all of that junk, because it really didn't make me feel good; it just comforted my temporary needs.(Guilt.) At that point I shrug everything off and wait for another emotional trigger, which could happen as early as later that same day if we are being honest here.

So that, my friends, is the Shame Cycle. I feel deeply about this, and I want everyone to find a way out of it! Find a way to realize the triggers before they become cravings, whether it's food, alcohol, tobacco, drugs, or just plain depression. It is something that you can begin to control. For myself, I made a list of the things that I can do when I begin to feel small that help boost my self-esteem.

Some of the ways I bring myself up out of the cycle are:

- remind myself how far I've come
- make a list of my goals
- write here in the blog
- talk it out with a friend, my husband, or my mom
- color (coloring clears my mind)
- pray
- take a walk/exercise
- repeat a positive mantra in my head

These are just a few of the things that you can so to make yourself feel worthy of your own love and acceptance! It is so important to get rid of this negativity and move on with your positive journey! I am certainly not perfect at this, and I often stumble, but I hope that I can continue to get better and get rid of the shame for good!

We can do hard things!