From The Beginning...

I have always been a chubby girl. I was always bigger than my friends, and something inside of me always felt out of place. There is something different about being "obese" your whole life. You never feel like you can truly get down to a healthy weight, because you have never been there. It can become a dark and bitter place inside your head where motivation is difficult to find.

I remember my mom telling me a story about when I was learning to crawl. My left side was paralyzed due to a stroke I had at two days old, so I fell down many times in the process. Mom said that she would hear a thud as I fell, but then my little voice would say "up, up, up!" and I would get back up and try again. I was born with a fire in me to push myself and succeed, but it dimmed as time went on. While other kids played sports and ran around the playground, I tried my hardest, but I never felt it was good enough. I would get embarrassed after a few tries, and some snarky looks from my peers would inevitably leave me alone in a corner somewhere feeling sorry for myself. My shame cycle started early.

I remember feeling like I would never date in high school, and no one would ever marry me unless I lost weight. It was useless to try because I would never succeed and look like so-and-so. My weight hovered in the 160s, which at the time I felt was huge. I look back at those photos of myself and want to scream at my adolescent mind to embrace my curves and love my body! In truth, I wasn't fat at all in high school...just average. And beautiful.

 My junior year of high school.

My senior year, 2003.

I went off to college and continued to feel inadequate, as I was the heaviest of all my roommates. I made many friends at Sow College, some of my very best to this day! My weight hovered around 190 when I left.

My roommates and I, 2005.

The rest of my story is a blur, with too many weight fluctuations to count. Ultimately I ended up graduating from Utah State is 2010, and shortly after that I met my husband. I weighed 250 on our wedding day, and I felt beautiful. I finally found a man that loved me for me, no matter my size. I wasn't afraid to show him all of myself because he loved every bit of it! We felt lucky to find each other...he is my best friend.

Eli and I, 2011

Wedding Day, October 14, 2011

I thought that by marrying the man of my dreams, I would inevitably begin loving my body and letting go of self doubt. Sadly, around January after the wedding shine wore off and the holidays were over, I had nothing to look forward to. I spiraled into a depression that I had never experienced before. I was always a little depressed, but this was horrid. I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't want to go to work. I fought with Eli and made him feel hopeless in our marriage, because I was so down and angry all of the time. It was truly the worst 6 months of my life. During the dark days, I found solace in food. The scale tipped and I didn't care anymore. Things eventually got better, but the weight stayed on. 

Finally, after  having a few good talks with family and friends, I finally went and got a complete physical in March of this year. I was then diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes, high cholesterol, and high blood pressure. The number in the scale was the biggest I've ever seen (295), and I knew that I needed to nip this in the bud. In order to start a family and give that family the time and energy it deserves, my quality of life needed to be drastically different.

I began Weight Watchers for about the 3rd time in my life, but this time I stuck with it. I've lost 25 pound so far, without much activity. The changes I have made with food have carried me this far. I feel like it is time to kick it up a notch and really get this going, so I am starting a walking routine to help me train for a 5k tomorrow. I can't wait til the day I can compete my first 5k! 

Many things in life can discourage you and make you feel small. As I stated at the beginning of this post, my shame cycle started very early on. That cycle stayed with me up until this year when I finally put a name on it, and put it in it's proper place. I found my fire again! I no longer look at my body as something that defines me, or controls me. I don't even look at myself as a work in progress. I try to celebrate what it can do for me and what it is capable of. I want to fuel it in a way that will best benefit me and my future little ones. While I work at that, I know there will be bumps in my road and I refuse to ignore them. They need to be addressed and owned, and I feel that this space can be a place where I do that. A positive place, where I acknowledge the pain, joy, etc and move on.

I hope this can be a place for you, too. 

We can do hard things.

Me @ Mirror Lake June 2014 (280 lbs)